You.

I never believed that I would be able to experience life like a normal teen. I always thought that I had to take care of people and be the one that would catch them when they feel. Refusing to allow myself to live the way that God had ordained because I was afraid, because I was stubborn, and because I never thought it was possible for me to make it through. And then I met you.

You make me want to be someone who loves, lives, and never gives up. Everything about you encourages me, loves me, and tells me that it is okay that I'm not perfect. I am aloud to make mistakes and aloud to go back on my stubborn dumb ways. The things that make me afraid and make me feel as though I don't deserve what God has coming are things that you make me feel like somehow are right for me.

Whenever I'm with you you treat me as though I am everything to you. I feel like I'm amazing, like I can do anything I put my mind to and that I am special and wonderfully made. How do you do that? When I'm with you make every second count.

I love you my friends

I want...

I want to be someone people can trust.
I want talking to me to be a must.
I want to be God's shining light,
In the darkness of those scary nights.
I want to be the one people confide in,
When everything seems just too thick or thin.
I want to be a hand to hold,
Never thinking our friendships too old.
I want to be looked at with surprise,
With joy and peace in peoples eyes.
I want to be able to make everything right,
To see past the mist and the blindness of sight.
I want to be able to do as I please,
But never anything God doesn't see.
I don't want to care what people think,
But I want to stop them from drowning as they sink.
I want to rely on God through it all,
Hopein' and knowin' I'll be caught when I fall.
But mostly I want to just to just be myself,
I don't want to be caught up with everything else.
The world and its pressures and all of its faults.
My sin and my sickness, the worlds music, its waltz.
I want to be only who God wants me to be,
I just want to see the world the way that he sees.
I want nothing but his will in this world full of pain.
I realize now that there's nothing else left to gain.

Are you ready?

Are you ready for God to turn your life upside down?
No...
Neither was I.
But strangely, now the world finally makes sense.
I was meant to trust, meant to live for something more, meant to love and loose, and meant to forever remember and never forget.
I was meant to live this life not matter how painful or uncomfortable it may be.
Are you ready for God to turn your life upside down?
No...
Neither was I.
But now it's right side up...
FINALLY.

Tonight

It's time to be strong tonight,
When the stars will shine and the moon is bright.
Its time for me to face my fears,
wipe away these tears
and counter these mirrors.
Even when I can't see the love,
When I feel as though my word is shaken,
And when all of my strength has been taken
I must take a breathe.

Its time to be strong tonight,
For the look on clear faces is a strange sight.
I feel as though I'll be lost forever,
But that I must be strong and always clever,
Never showing the fear I feel,
The countless pain I continue to reveal.
I'm sick of complaining
Cause I feel like I'm always shaming,
My Lord and Savior,
My Redeemer.

I'm afraid of re-telling my long story,
Afraid of showing all of the bloody gorey,
I feel like I'll get lost on the way,
Like I won't be able to say,
That I stayed strong through the storm,
That I fought past societies norm.
I don't want to seem like another kid,
Spoiled and rotten and in for the ride,
Its not a random playground slide.
Its time to be strong tonight,
I need to keep up these countless fights.

I know I may seem like I'm being rude,
That I don't care or I'm being crude.
I want you to know that I'm breaking inside,
That these tears they keep running, tears I've cried.
I want you to know that I'll miss you so much,
That I'll wish for this hug, this kiss, this touch.
I'll feel so alone it'll be hard to bear,
Even when I know you'll always care.
But its time to get on the flight,
Time to be strong tonight.

The News

I sit here and think,
Not sleeping a wink.
Its incredible how much time has past,
I'm not sure how much longer I'll last.
I feel like the end of this is coming so soon,
I just know that everything will be in ruins.
But God works everything together,
for the good of those who love him.
I know right now friends are who i treasure,
The ones I'd give for them any limb
But hopelessness is catching up,
I'm getting tired of faking whats up.

Life isn't fair.

i don't like this right now.
sorry.

Going with the flow.

you know what is AMAZING...
the way that God works even when we dont' feel like he's working at all.
I went to semi...and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go at all. I was so sick of the world and wordly things and I didn't want to go just because it was the "thing" to do...you know?
So...i prayed and i prayed and I was like, "God...if I'm suppose to go, please use me some way there."
I went there and there was this young man who will remain unnamed and he was having some problems. He ended up telling me that he was unhappy and had always been and I was able to tell him about God..to tell him about the joy that comes with having a relationship with a father who loves you more than life itself...
He didn't accept it...but the thing is, i hope he thinks about it. I've been praying that he thinks about it...And...i'm happy. I feel like God told me that it was okay to do wordly things as long as im' doing them because I'm waiting for God to use me...

We were beautifull and wonderfully created in his image to not be like the world...to not be wordly...but to shine in the darkeness.
Are you shining? or are you going with the flow. So many times I find myself just going with the flow.

Do you ever get that feeling when you walk down the street and look into people's eyes that there are so many hollow people out there. These eyes are the shadows of what used to be full and whole and beautiful.

you

guarding myself from you,
is the best thing i could ever do.
you've broken my heart in two,
i don't think it could ever again be new

right now

Sometimes life seems so trivial and other times it seems as if the whole world is against you and the only think you have to lose is yourself.

I love passion. I love when people pour their whole heart into what they’re doing. There’s just something about that type of enthusiasm. (words of my father) But is passion and emotion the same thing?

What is faith? What is the gospel to you? When people ask you if you are a Christian what can you say; I am, or what do you think? What makes something passionate and what makes something emotional?

Today after speaking to a friend of mine about a word in the bible I realized something, I want to be able to say, “What do you think?” when asked if I am a Christian. Some people seem to have it all together and seem to have their eyes set on Christ while others struggle with every morning, every breathe, and every step. I can appear to have it all together and in turn have emotion to churn the waters of the ocean or I can appear to be broken, rebuilt, and learning while having a sense of peace and a yearning of great passion. Months ago I struggled with “looking” like I had it all together while in reality; I was appearing to be something very different than who I was. I wanted passion when all I had was emotion. To see the people I loved laced with passion from their souls out to the tips of their very toes, to see their eyes shine bright with love, hope, but most of all pain and to see the honesty in their expressions; puzzled as I was I couldn’t bring myself to let go of the person that I’d become. As much as I wanted passion, it was so much easier to run away from the feelings I felt.

To say it was an easy journey to go from where I was to where I am now would be an understatement, and a misjudgment but most of all, a lie. I have gone from hiding all of my feelings for everything in my heart and mind to expressing openly the struggles I’ve been through and the pain I’ve endured. As it is right now, I have gone back to somewhere in between where I started and where I was before. I went from having emotion, to passion, and now a little of both. But I want passion; I want to be able to cry because of sincere feelings and not be embarrassed or ridiculed because of open expression. I am so afraid to say how I feel that I keep it all inside, only to let it out on a blank page that will amount to nothing. I have so much love but love isn’t enough until you give it away.

I am too afraid to express how I feel out loud although I probably will in time. But right now I need to let out some things that are frightening me at this present time and the only way to replace emotion with passion is to let them out.
There is a couple, so bear with me.

1. As it were, there is a missions trip that I have signed up to go on and I realize that I should be opening my heart up to doing the works of Christ and being there for his kingdom, but I am terrified, scared so much that my stomach hurts when I think about it, about going to a foreign country to talk about my faith. I always thought it would be easier, I always told others that I was easier to talk about the most important thing in your life to complete strangers, but I was wrong. I cannot fathom what it is going to be like going alone, to a country I’ve never been, with people I have never met, to speak about the most important thing in my life in a language that no one can understand. Why am I so afraid? If I feel as though God has called me to do this then why do I feel so much doubt when I try to decide if it really is the best thing for me to be doing?

2. I am afraid of love, I am afraid of marriage, I am afraid of relationships. It’s difficult for me to talk about this because of my past and because when I have lost so little I have such a problem loving while others have lost so much and love so freely. In the present time I’m looking to God for guidance in the area of relationships and although I can love others with my whole heart with God’s love, I cannot love others with a love that comes from my heart and God’s. I am terrified to give others a piece of my heart that could so casually be broken with the tip of a weak finger.

3. I don’t feel as though I’m making a difference in the lives of others around me. Not necessarily my fellow believers but those who need Christ, those who have lost all hope and are just looking for someone to love them. I feel like I’ve failed them, like I’ve ignored them because I look to my own selfish needs. I have no way of knowing if I am failing or if I am just being attacked by my doubts.

4. Lastly, for now, I feel as though I have failed my family and my heavenly father. I have also looked to be so sure of what I will be doing in the future or even in the next couple minutes but lately I have lost it. I don’t know what I will be in 5 years, I don’t know where I will be and I don’t know what my aspirations will be. All I know is that I will be 5 years older. I feel like because I don’t have the urge to read the bible anymore or pray, that I’ve failed Christ and that because sometimes I forget to pray before meals or thank God for the wonderful day, when I wake up in the morning, I feel as though I’ve failed my father, the only person who will ever love me forever unconditionally. I can’t even love him back as much as I should. I feel like because I cannot figure out what God is telling me to do with the rest of my life, because I don’t know what is going on right now, that I have failed my family as well. I feel like I can’t help them anymore if I can’t help myself. It may be irrational, but it’s how I feel right now.

Sometimes life seems so trivial and other times it seems as if the whole world is against you and the only think you have to lose is yourself. I’ve realized that I am not mine to lose in the first place, but then the question remains, who am I?

I'm Starting to get it together

I'm starting to get it together,
my life,
all of this strife.
I'm starting to get it together,
my fears,
the calling i hear in my ears.
I'm learning to get up quickly when i fall,
And that i need to always stand tall,
through trials,
all of the long miles.
School/Boys fools we are,
All i need is to be a star.
A star in the dark sky,
Because I do really try.
I'm starting to get it together,
I'm getting my thoughts to start,
To pull together not apart.
My decision is being made,
Even though I'm afraid.
Lord, I need you to live,
I need you to show me where to give my love,
That breaks me,
And takes me,
my heart.
I'm starting to get it together.

Sick

Curling, pain stirring my innermost groans and pleas for insanity.
As I sat curled up on my bed trying to be as still as possible while the pain shot through my body I wondered what in the world could cause such a annoying mess of sick in me. I swollowed back feeling sick and attempted to swollow the pain in my stomache...I was cowering under the covers hopeing that it would go away and that I could get up and begin the rest of my day. But how could I get up? I refused to move because the pain that shot through my stomache at that moment of time as I was standing up was not worth feeling better in the end (not that i knew i would but the chance was one that I had to take)
I guess its the same with life
We are squirming in our seats just waiting for the pain to pass...and then lyeing perfectly still when it doesn't once again waiting for it to past. We won't move or take a step out of our comfort zone because we're terrified of the pain that will come while we move, even if it means relief in the end for us.
I realized when I began to move again that this movement was percisely what we needed to do in life...In order to move on, to excell...to live for Christ we just need to step past the pain..past our discomfort and immediate needs and get up...out of the uncomfortable but comfortable place we are sitting and break this sickness in us.
We need to worship even though we won't ever amount to a person good enough to worship our creator. How weird is it that he loves us when we are mere humans, imperfect and terribly screwed up half the time.

Sorry, this was just my strange though.

We are Broken

The brokenness of my heart.
Broken before you.
I hoped that we would never part.
That you would never think too,
too much about what you were about to loose.
But all you had to do was pick up the clues.
I brought you up,
Even when you were all dirty from the muck.
I tried to keep you from crying your eyes out,
And held you when your face went into a pout.
And I can't help but take this apon me,
This is the only cause that I can see.
You've left,
My heart barred out of my chest,
And I'm expected to not be messed.
I will always love you,
I will never fall away.
I will be here too.
But I can't possibly be here to stay,
If you are not.
I know you don't want to be caught,
In all of this wordly pain.
But sometimes its part of what keeps us sain,
What helps us not to complain...
It makes us become less vain.
Don't run from this,
You are better than these tears.
Don't just let him kiss,
All of the progress you've made through the years.
I feel like you think I don't care,
Can't you see that all I do is stare,
Stare after you in silence,
Hoping that you'll come back without violence.
I love you,
I don't want to see you go...
But he loves you too,
I know that he will not throw,
away his love for your spirit,
And you don't have to fear it...
Any longer.
He will wait for until your ready,
He will help you to become stronger,
And hold you till your steady.
But dont' run away,
Please oh please just stay.
Not for me...
But for who you were made to be.
You were helped when you were young,
And now to repay the debt once sung,
You must bless others with your beautiful voice,
And make that everylasting choice...
Because he loves you,
And he is broken everytime you leave.
Its not just him, me too...
Could you possibly percieve.

We are broken.

You are.

My stomache is churning.
Emotions swirl in my brain and overcome my entire being.
Lord, take these feelings I feel.
It isn't right to let them be who I am,
to let them take over my person...
I am who you are forming, shaping, making me to be.
I will become who I was made to become.
I will worship, don't even say my name but
call me and when your voice is heard I will listen.
Just say that you can use me,
and I will be there.
My stomache is churning,
Emotions swirl in my brain but you are there,
And you become my entire being...
You are.

Just Cry

Just cry,
With your heart on your sleeve.
And your lies on the leave.
Just cry,
Its okay to look sad.
Its not always that bad.
Just cry.

As tears roll down your face,
And empty is your heart space,
Remember that I'm crying for you,
Remember that I'll always be here too.

Just cry.
With your heart on your sleeve.
And your lies on the leave.
Just cry,
Its okay to look sad.
Its not always that bad.
Just cry.

Be strong,
The road from here is very long.
You've got to hold on,
Carry your burdens and don't let them bring you down.
Stand your ground.

Just cry,
With your heart on your sleeve.
and Your lies on the leave.
Just cry,
Its okay to look sad,
its not always that bad.
Just cry.

I'm sick of all the games.
This is getting so lame.
I don't want to stand anymore.
I will end up falling to the floor.
But I will stand strong,
Even if its not for long.

Just cry,
He will dry your eyes.
He knows that you try.
Just cry.
Jesus will stand beside you.
He will never leave you.
Just cry.

Its okay.
Tomorrow is another day.
Its okay to just cry.

Just Friends

-A little thing about this, whatever is in brackets is being thought, not said)



Boy: Hi (you look beautiful today)
Girl: Hey (my oh my, you look dashing tonight)
Boy: How are you? (I've been thinking about you lately)
Girl: (sigh*) I'm....alright. (Its been a long day, and I'm exhausted)
Boy: Why just alright? (I've been worried about you)
Girl: Um...well, I guess its just been a long day. (I didn't see you at all)
Boy: Oh, that sucks. (Mine was long too...too long)
Girl: Well, ya but how was your day? (I'm hoping better than mine)
Boy: It was good. I wrote a new poem, wanna see it? (Its about you)
Girl: YES! (I hope its not about another girl)
Boy: K. Here it is. (I hope you don't think its lame)

When the blue sky shines,
I'm walking on some thin lines,
I can't help but think of you.
How I hide how I feel too.
Your beauty astounds me,
And all i yearn for is the key.
To your heart...
I don't want us to ever be torn apart.
I'm longing,
longing for a calming.
Where my soul can rest,
Where you can feel blessed.
Somewhere where love,
can fly in like a dove.
But right now Its just a secret...
I can't trust myself to keep it.

(please oh please don't think its lame)

Girl: Oh.....that's beautiful. (Its probably about that really thin girl, or...that gorgous blonde in french class)
Boy: Thanks (Don't you have any idea...how can you not realize its about you?)
Girl: Shoot, (looks around frantically*)....I've got to go. (I've got to get out of here...my heart is breaking.)
Sorry!
Boy: Where are you going? (notices look*) (What could I have possibly said?)
Girl:........I just...have to go. (I love you. I'm sorry I can't be that girl-your love)
Boy: Okay...(she turns around to go and he wispers*) I love you.
Girl: (As she walks away, his words unsaid she wispers*) God....I thought we were meant to be together...What happened?

I have this friend.

I have this friend.
She has beautiful red hair,
And an amazing personality.
She loves people around her no matter who they are,
She will talk to people,
Hold doors for people,
And pick up things that they drop even when they don't ask her to.
She is amazing.
She is in my history and science class and everyday I go to school praying that I can make her smile.
Her joy is important in my life,
Making her laugh and smile makes my day brighter.
This wonderful girl is not just beautiful outside,
but even moreso inside.
She does not leave people and is always there when they need a friend,
even if she sometimes gets taken advantage by them.
She loves her family and adores her sister.
She shows love to people that I wish i could show every day.
This young lady will talk so fast,
that no one can understand what she's saying.
She chats up a storm and brightens people's day,
making them laugh with everything she's says.
I have this friend.
With beautiful red hair,
That needs to see how amazing she is.

Your joy is gone.

It is physically and emotionally beating me up to see you so down.
You seem like every second your going to cry,
It making me feel like it would be better to die than to live without you.
I know I couldn't live without you but your so sad.
Where has your joy gone?
Where is the peace that I see in your eyes...sometimes.
My friend, where has your grace gone?
I'm so afraid that you'll be lost forever and I miss you.
I miss you more than enough for a day, a month, a year.
I miss you when your there...when I see you, when I don't.
Because its not you,
Its not you who I see staring back at me.
The tall person you appear to be is drowning out your personality.
The way you used to laugh.
The way you'd help people with their math even when you didn't get it.
It was funny.
Now your too tired,
Your beating yourself up about this all.
The tears are running from your eyes and your short of breathe because you don't have time to breathe.
And its beating me up to see you like this.
You don't even try to pretend anymore.
You don't try to pretend that it doesn't bother you...
I feel like it's my fault.
Every time I come into the picture your laughter fades,
Your smile is shadded...
I don't know what I could have done but you just seem so sad.
I want to hug you, love you...show you that I care.
Hold your hand until you realize that I"m here...
Because your joy is gone.
Its been depleated...
And I personally feel defeated.
I thought that the love you felt towards me, our friendship would never be lost...
But now I feel as though I"m doing something wrong.
That somehow what I write isn't a good enough song.
Because you won't sing it anymore.
Your eyes don't twinkle and you don't frolick through the trees of magic anymore.
I want to know where You've gone.
I want to know why your joy is gone.

Chipped Red Nails.

As I stare at my nails i realize that the polish that my mom carefully applied to them a couple days ago is beginning to fade. Around the edges my nail polish is starting to peel and the once, incredibly shiny, fire engine red is turning to a dull, chipped red nail. I know that the nails aren't going to get any better until i repaint them and that I should probably take as best care of them as I can until I have time to fix them but for some reason I just can't help picking at the pieces of polish to reveal more and more of my nail.

Today was a long day. I will confess it started out pretty hectic. I went to band practice and messed up every piece that my trumpet played (yes, my trumpet played, i did not...my instrument plays me) and then continued to go on to English class where I had to explain to my English teacher that no, i could not do my debate today and yes, i am perfectly ready but the rest of my group is not. After she let out some steam I went to sit down and pulled out some knitting and she asked me calmly, "So, when do we get to see the baby?".....
The baby?
What baby?
"Mrs. Dalton, I am beginning my Christmas presents early this year so I don't end up rushing."
"Well, I see Tessa. Could you PLEASE put it away right now...Thank-you"

Science class is a class that I don't normally look forward to but I thought...heck, This day is here for God's glory...not my happiness. I prayed then, "Lord, please oh please help me to find something joyful to smile about today."
In my science class there is a girl and she is a very emotional, sometimes suicidal young lady. I asked her if she would if I sat by her and I, as well as my friend Erik, continued to chat with her for the class about how her week was....She was laughing almost to the point of crying and it brightened up my day exponentially to hear that. Before I left that class, I had purchased a bracelet that read, "Believe in yourself, you are loved."
This girl, whom I am referring to is slightly overweight, was abused when she was younger and has a lot of self confident issues. I wanted her to know that I loved her and that God loved her and that she was never alone...that there was a amazing reason for her to live...so I bought her a bracelet that (hopefully) relayed the message that I loved her even when she felt like the day couldn't go on.

Her face lite up as soon as I told her and she began talking in an excited loud, very fast, voice about how she had to repay me and how she didn't know what to give me...I just shook my head and laughed at her...There is so much joy in seeing others happy.

The rest of the day I worked. I should be doing my homework right now but I thought it was more important to get this thought down. (sorry, i seem to have rambled)

My point in all of this is this...Today I woke up, praying that God would show me a way to be a light. As I sang a piece for choir that goes, "In the darkness of the night we are called to be the light, so let the flame become a torch in you" I realized that I could be that light in today. I'm not going to say its easy but as I'm picking at my chipped red nails I realize that much like my life, are my nails.

They began shiny, bright and brill ant and soon faded and worn, still serve their purpose to add flair but now have some character after all of the time that they've worn. My life, there has been ups and downs, great falls when I've barely been able to get up and times where I don't want to take another breathe or wake up to another useless morning but this morning I prayed that God would give me joy to bring to others.

I believe that if we pray, every morning for that joy...it is impossible for our light to be blown out. It is simply impossible for people to not see the joy and thanksgiving in our lives. When I get around to it I'll repaint my nails and they will become new once again, much like my life...When I get the energy, each morning to breathe one more breathe and say one more prayer my nails are bright once again...even if by the end of the day they're dull, at least I KNOW that they made a difference in the day and brought that bit of flair.

I'm not looking for perfection.

I'm not looking for perfection,
I'm not even looking for something relatively close to it.
I'm just looking for a friend.
Someone that will hold my hand and pull me up when I can't stand.
Someone who will love me no matter what I've done,
or the things I've said.
I'm not looking for perfection,
I'm just looking for someone to say they love me,
and mean it...
not just say it because they think they need to.
I'm just looking for a friend.
Someone who will catch my tears as they fall,
And help me when I want to stall.
Someone who will miss me when I'm gone...
Do you miss me?
I'm not looking for perfection.

This is love...

This is love, that we lay down our lives for our friends.
This is love, that we will always be the hand thats lent.
This is love, that we will not fear.
This is love, that we will never be far, but near.
This is love, that we will never be alone.
This is love, that God will bring us to his thrown.
This is love, that I will always hold your hand,
This is love, that we will walk together through the sand.
This is love, that I will hold you as you cry.
This is love, that I will be there when you die.
This is love

This is the place that I can rest.

Tired and weary,I've begun to feel leary.

So much stress,In the morning don't even want to get dressed.

I just can't help thinking of you.

My heart i pouding,these thoughts are astounding.

Where do they come from?I can now see my actions sum.

I pray lord that I can plant the seed.That I'll be able to help those peole in need,

That I will see how in helping them I can be me.

I only have one need-my reason.I need to find this freedom.

Running to you arms open,With this faith i am being driven.

No matter how much I may feel afraid,I know your plan is being made.

I'll live for you, believe in you.I'll give others a reason to love too.

This is the place that my thoughts resist test,This is the place that I can rest.

Wordless

Tired of being wordless,
Sweat, streaming down...
I cannot breathe yet I need to take a breathe...
I cannot see yet i need to keep on being me...
Seeing you,
breathing,
being me,
a breathe.

I dont have to fight this battle for long,
There's not much left I could get wrong...
I can't seem to stay alive,
no matter how hard I strive.
God is the only way, the truth the light...
God is my exterior sourse of bright.

My body is exhausted,
my mind has been completely blasted out of this world.
I feel cold,
yet the heat of this emotion is drowning out everything...
I am not alone,
This is the way its gotta be.
Love yourself or you'll never love me.

I'll do whatever it takes,
Cause I know your heart breaks
everytime you think of me.
Muffled sighs
and strange goodbye's.
No more hugs,
This love....hidden under rugs.
Must be kept a secret,
I cannot reveil it.

The broken parts of you are what I want to see,
They are what make you, you and me, me.
I know I've let you down,
I've acted like a clown.
Forgive me..
can't you see?
I can't live without you.

My feet ache from this long journey,
My throut parched...is dry.
I don't think you want to see me cry,
but I can't seem to stop the sighs.
You don't deserve this pain,
You don't deserve the strain.
Change is a part of life,
It makes challanges triffle,
Makes dull all of the knives.

My feelings are so plain
and with you have nothing, lost or gained.
All that matters is what the future holds,
Not which winter will next be cold.
I pray for you every day,
I can't seem to make you stay...
God is the one who moves your path,
I will never be in the math-of your life...
until I realize Gods plan,
Will make humanity man.

Crap Poems Written in History Class

The Ways of a Ninth Grade Bathroom Girl

Inconspiculously I watch,
As she steps in the bathroom,
Taking a moment to catch
a look at her face croom,
And she sighs,
As she runs her fingers through her hair,
hurridy to herself she lies,
that there is no one there who stares.

She quickly does her business,
Never stopping to see,
The person in bliss,
Who just happenst to be me.
I sit and watch her wash her hands,
never stopping for a minutes,
The teachers wrath is what stands,
pas the door, in the classroom planet.

Who am I to care?
Why should her feelings matter to me?
None the less I start to tear,
A piece of my heart to be set free.
I know I'll risk again,
My feelings for her own,
But you see, I have a plan,
My Jesus plan is flown.

I'll walk p to her now,
Make conversation with her,
to make her feel comfort somehow,
Be her loving care.
her heart is what I want to see,
her soul I feel in time must be.
O Lor a part of yoru own light,
I'd like to give her Jesus' sight.



I swear it, Jesus Loves her.

Beaten, bruised,
Abused Confused.
Her red hair flies behind her,
Her pain holds no real cure,
She doesn't try,
she's given sighs,
She goes home every night and cries,
I swear it, Jesus loves her.

She blames herself,
and no one else.
she feels no love,
Her hope's a dove,
That always flies away.
She never seems to stay.
I swear it, Jesus loves her.

I try my best,
But i'm a pest,
She doesnt' need my worry.
All I do is feel sorry.
She deserves so much more,
then a heart thats just sore.
I swear it, Jesus loves her.

She feels a blade,
A knife she's made,
She just cant' seem to cope,
She wants to see my hope
She doesn't think he'll love her...
So she gives up.
I swer it, Jesus loves her.

am i the one to blame?

i am the one to blame?
i'm going insane.
your stupid jokes,
my brain just smokes.
i'm tired and confused,
feeling sort of abused.
as i try to figure out
find a space to pout,
out all of these insaities,
weary extremeties,
lost and belittled,
always in the middle
of these rights and fights,
and great bright lights.

am i the one to blame?
for all of these reasons that you came.
for the fact that you still call me,
and the reason that i can only see,
you when i look in the mirror,
feel no pain as the oven seers,
my hand.
in the middle of band-practice.
and it hurts,
when you are curt.

am i the one to blame?
for your helpeless desires,
for the way you burn your tires
on a road marked for home.
all i can see it the white foam,
covering up your eyes,
making me believe all your lies.
You say your okay,
everything that you say,
makes me believe that your not,
and i'm caught...
wondering...
am i the one to blame?

I met a boy-I met a man

I met a boy with deep brown hair,
and with his eyes this boy would stare,
right through my face into my soal,
his eyes would chase each lonely hole.
And with his hands he'd cover up,
the hole in which i'd dug apart.
My life would never be the same,
since this boy came and took the blame.
He cried for all my tears, my pain.

Anguish filled,
God's heart was stilled,
When this boy came alive.
For he did know,
this boy would show,
a flame that would always strive.
A boy no longer now a man,
he's grown so passion filled.
For God's great love and mercy,
once burst can never be stilled.

I met a man who cannot see,
the joy that set him free.
He once was found,
but now feels drowned,
in lives enxieties.
He needs to fine the faith inside,
thats screaming to get out.
The faith that other see in him,
the faith they live without.

Be strong young man,
please don't be shy,
the fear you feel will soon run dry.
The fights been one, is over, done.
For Will, you are the saviours son.

*To my friend Will...He wrote a poem about me and I thought I'd repay the favour.

Enchanted

Swept,
off your feet.
Unkept,
Make-up streaming dow,
down,
down,
your beautiful unsound,
tear streaked,
unbound,
angelic like,
face.
And I cannot keep my place,
In this chase,
of wrongs and rights,
and cake fights,
techno lights,
the race of life,
to move past strife.
But where did I go wrong?

My enchanted,
I thought I'd found,
roofs were slanted,
till I jumped to the ground,
grasped a ray of reality,
and realized...
I'd lost my sanity.

To believe he was the right one,
to think I'd put myself before his gun,
I'd lost my sight,
the true red light,
the blood streaming,
gleaming,
down your tired striken,
pain filled,
anger stilled,
wonderful, majestic,
glorious,
face...

And to think now,
I still believe,
somehow,
that his love for me shall be percieved,
when all I can think about is how obsene,
drama queen,
self centred,
pity gleaned,
sadened,
frusterated,
heartless,
I am being.

*Author note: He will never know how much I care because God has not told me we will ever be together. And God is who I rely on. It is no longer a matter of faith right now, it has been combined with commen sense.

The call

A couple weeks ago I encountered a friend of mine. He was having problems, huge problems, because at his age he believed he should be in a relationship with someone. He would pray and pray about his problem but never recieved an answer from God.

One night he came to my house so broken and without hope, searching for an answer to his problem. He came into my house and as soon as everyone was in bed, broke down and cried, telling me everything that was on his mind. After crying for a couple minutes he swifly got up and walked out of my house. As I closed the door behind him i knelt down to pray in my front hallway asking God to give him an answer, to just give him something to live on for the next couple of week. I heard the front door squeek open as he tip-toed back into my house.

He turned to me, with one last thing to say. "What I am suppose to do?"

As I racked my brain for an answer something came to me, something that I hadn't thought of.

"Do you remember that story in the bible? The one about Samuel and his master. One night Samuel was lyeing down in his bed sleeping when he heard someone say to him, "Samuel."
Samuel got up and went to ask his master what he wanted. His master said that he didn't call him and to go back to bed. Once again Samuel heard his name being called and went to ask his master what he could do for him. His master once again told him to go to bed. A third time Samuel heard his name being called and went to ask his master why he was calling him. His master, realizing that God was calling to Samuel, said, "Samuel, when you hear your voice being called again answer, "Yes Lord, I'm listening."

God will not leave you nor forsake you. If you dont' hear what he's trying to tell you, the first time he tellls you, he is going to tell you again and again until you answer him saying, "Yes Lord, I'm listening." Don't be afraid that you won't hear what he's saying. As long as your waiting for his answer he'll keep trying to get a hold of you."

As my friend thanked me and left I realized that God had told me to tell him that story.

When you feel as though you are all alone and can't hear God's voice just listen because he may be calling you, waiting for you to answer and he wont' stop calling until you do.

Jesus Branded

As I start a new year at school I'm beginning to get anxious about how things are going to play out. The thing is, my most important ambition this year, and every year to come, is to witness to others about Jesus' love and forgiveness. I'm a talkative person so this should be easy, right?

Wrong.

It continues to get harder as I grow older because I'm getting more and more concious of the the thoughts of others around me. I know it shouldn't bother me when others look down on me or persecute me for my faith, but it does.

I always wonder how to bring up the subject of Jesus or how to show others the he loves them. I know the answer for all of this is my actions : what i do and say is the MOST important witness I can ever give-but I don't really think it's as easy as everyone says it is.

About a year ago I was searching for some kind of witness with what I wear. I know modesty is key but a certain points of time the same pair of t-shirt and jeans or dress can get visibly and physically boring. I found a sight called Jesus Branded and within it I encountered an amazing way to witness to others.

There is so much beautiful, creative, wonderful clothing that completely glorifies God and outwardly shows his love for humanity. The words and pictures on the clothing are conversation starters for believers who want to show and speak the love langauge of Jesus, but don't know how to start.

http://www.jesusbranded.com/ is the site that the t-shirts can be bought at. If your looking for a new way to bring the most important father in your life in the lives of others, buy a shirt, and use it as a witness. Be Jesus Branded

I want you to know....

I don't know what to say to you.


I want you to know...I love the way you laugh,
the way your eyes twinkle as you roll your head back.
I want you to know, I miss you,
even when you're there.
I don't know why but I can't help but miss your stare,
your eyes as the look over my face,
searching for some kind of hope, some faith.

I love the way your hugs send shivers down to my toes,
The way your smell fills your clothes.
I want you to know that the cross,
you gave me,
symbolises God's loss.
And I understand now how much was the cost.

I want you to know that you taught me,
That I didn't have to be able to see
-around the corner-
to feel your love for me.

I want you to know that i miss you now,
And i'm sitting here wishing i could see you somehow.
You make me feel like this worlds not far gone,
And that in not too long,
I'll see you again.

Maybe when I see you I'll tell you,
that I love the way you smile,
that I can't wait to be in your arms....
that i can sense you from a mile
away
and that you raise up all the alarms,
i tried to shove astray.

I want you to know that I miss you.