right now

Sometimes life seems so trivial and other times it seems as if the whole world is against you and the only think you have to lose is yourself.

I love passion. I love when people pour their whole heart into what they’re doing. There’s just something about that type of enthusiasm. (words of my father) But is passion and emotion the same thing?

What is faith? What is the gospel to you? When people ask you if you are a Christian what can you say; I am, or what do you think? What makes something passionate and what makes something emotional?

Today after speaking to a friend of mine about a word in the bible I realized something, I want to be able to say, “What do you think?” when asked if I am a Christian. Some people seem to have it all together and seem to have their eyes set on Christ while others struggle with every morning, every breathe, and every step. I can appear to have it all together and in turn have emotion to churn the waters of the ocean or I can appear to be broken, rebuilt, and learning while having a sense of peace and a yearning of great passion. Months ago I struggled with “looking” like I had it all together while in reality; I was appearing to be something very different than who I was. I wanted passion when all I had was emotion. To see the people I loved laced with passion from their souls out to the tips of their very toes, to see their eyes shine bright with love, hope, but most of all pain and to see the honesty in their expressions; puzzled as I was I couldn’t bring myself to let go of the person that I’d become. As much as I wanted passion, it was so much easier to run away from the feelings I felt.

To say it was an easy journey to go from where I was to where I am now would be an understatement, and a misjudgment but most of all, a lie. I have gone from hiding all of my feelings for everything in my heart and mind to expressing openly the struggles I’ve been through and the pain I’ve endured. As it is right now, I have gone back to somewhere in between where I started and where I was before. I went from having emotion, to passion, and now a little of both. But I want passion; I want to be able to cry because of sincere feelings and not be embarrassed or ridiculed because of open expression. I am so afraid to say how I feel that I keep it all inside, only to let it out on a blank page that will amount to nothing. I have so much love but love isn’t enough until you give it away.

I am too afraid to express how I feel out loud although I probably will in time. But right now I need to let out some things that are frightening me at this present time and the only way to replace emotion with passion is to let them out.
There is a couple, so bear with me.

1. As it were, there is a missions trip that I have signed up to go on and I realize that I should be opening my heart up to doing the works of Christ and being there for his kingdom, but I am terrified, scared so much that my stomach hurts when I think about it, about going to a foreign country to talk about my faith. I always thought it would be easier, I always told others that I was easier to talk about the most important thing in your life to complete strangers, but I was wrong. I cannot fathom what it is going to be like going alone, to a country I’ve never been, with people I have never met, to speak about the most important thing in my life in a language that no one can understand. Why am I so afraid? If I feel as though God has called me to do this then why do I feel so much doubt when I try to decide if it really is the best thing for me to be doing?

2. I am afraid of love, I am afraid of marriage, I am afraid of relationships. It’s difficult for me to talk about this because of my past and because when I have lost so little I have such a problem loving while others have lost so much and love so freely. In the present time I’m looking to God for guidance in the area of relationships and although I can love others with my whole heart with God’s love, I cannot love others with a love that comes from my heart and God’s. I am terrified to give others a piece of my heart that could so casually be broken with the tip of a weak finger.

3. I don’t feel as though I’m making a difference in the lives of others around me. Not necessarily my fellow believers but those who need Christ, those who have lost all hope and are just looking for someone to love them. I feel like I’ve failed them, like I’ve ignored them because I look to my own selfish needs. I have no way of knowing if I am failing or if I am just being attacked by my doubts.

4. Lastly, for now, I feel as though I have failed my family and my heavenly father. I have also looked to be so sure of what I will be doing in the future or even in the next couple minutes but lately I have lost it. I don’t know what I will be in 5 years, I don’t know where I will be and I don’t know what my aspirations will be. All I know is that I will be 5 years older. I feel like because I don’t have the urge to read the bible anymore or pray, that I’ve failed Christ and that because sometimes I forget to pray before meals or thank God for the wonderful day, when I wake up in the morning, I feel as though I’ve failed my father, the only person who will ever love me forever unconditionally. I can’t even love him back as much as I should. I feel like because I cannot figure out what God is telling me to do with the rest of my life, because I don’t know what is going on right now, that I have failed my family as well. I feel like I can’t help them anymore if I can’t help myself. It may be irrational, but it’s how I feel right now.

Sometimes life seems so trivial and other times it seems as if the whole world is against you and the only think you have to lose is yourself. I’ve realized that I am not mine to lose in the first place, but then the question remains, who am I?