You'll never know.

You'll never know that...
-I don't wear the necklace you made for me because I don't need more reminders.
-I keep every one of your letters.
-My favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11.
-Whenever I turned away from you, all I wanted was for you to wrap your arms around me.
-I sing close to the mike because you told me to.
-I cried and threw stuff when you told me it wasn't going to work out anymore.
-I started to work out so I would be good enough for you but I lost you anyways.
-I don't eat around you because I never want you to stop worrying or I'll be out of your mind.
-Whenever I think or read about a missions trip, I think about how you will be going and I won't be.
-I think about you whenever I look out my window.
-"Death by chocolate" on a waffle cone reminds me of you.
-I can't use seasoning salt without remembering how we poured it all over my deck.
-I think of deep sea diving, swimming or sitting with you on the boat whenever I'm near the water.
-When music plays in the summer air I can't help but remember that time you tried to make me dance with you on the lawn.
-Your hugs are the best when you pull me towards you in the dark.
-I wished I'd kissed you those tens of times I'd had a chance.
-I keep the birthday card you gave me on my wall.
-I hope to God the emails we shared will never get deleted but I'll never open them.
-I keep on thinking I should give your sweater back to you (it's lost its smell) but it keeps me warm in freezing cold weather and makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a hug.
-I don't know why I can't make you smile anymore and every time you don't when you're around me, I remember how smiling and laughing was all you used to do around me.
-I wonder if I ever meant anything to you.
-I can only ever think about you sneaking around to hold my hand.
-I regret every time that I ran away from you.
-When we walked around behind your house and I told you that I was moving, that was the most peaceful I'd felt.
-I can't eat cake without thinking of how we used to have cake fights.
-Whenever I go to McDonald's I'm reminded that you know exactly what I always wanted when we went there and always bought it for me.
-Meeting you was one of the best things that has ever happened to me even if you hurt me in the end.
-I can't think about the like without thinking of how you threatened me, holding me over the edge while telling me I looked beautiful.
-I keep my hair long because I know how much you like it.
-I really just want you to hug me while I cry.
-You are the friend I always want around no matter what.
-It hurt me more than anything that you thought badly of my family.
-You used to show me how you felt but now hid it from me. I want to be there.
-I wish we had more memories.
-I think of us throwing McFlurries and sundaes at each other and then helping each other wipe it off our fancy clothes. I can't get rid of those pictures.
-You were always so concerned about how cold my hands were but you were the one with the bad circulation.
-I can't listen to Delilah without thinking about you.
-Whenever I talk about or hear about horses I think about our stupid "pleasure" joke.
-I remember all those times you would come to my house sweaty and gross from biking for an hour and not be able to come in because of your parents hilarious rules.
-You knew when you yelled at me it scared me so you would stop, hold my face in your hands and apologize until I looked you in the eyes.
-It hurt that you didn't care about facts I gave you because you were too caught up in the fake truth that it was a one time thing.
-Whenever I think of snowboarding, I think of how we couldn't go.
-I miss your hugs.
-All I want is for you to be really happy (I just need to see you smile again).
-I go through the dumb bumper stickers that you sent me, over and over again laughing, but not really okay.
-I've tried to write songs about what's going on, but I can't.
-I miss you.
-I will always remember those late night phone calls we had at Natalie's house and how you would sit and listen to me.
-I will never tell you what was really on my mind.
-I think you are so smart.
-When you argue with me I actually physically don't feel well because I feel like we're breaking farther apart.
-I talk to you in my head (weird, I know)
-You will always be my best friend.
-You have always known me without me having to tell you.
-When I talk about you I have to try not to tell you what's going on.
-I loved when you used to randomly play with my hair.
-Your compliments meant the world to me.
-I always wanted to walk with you in the rain.
-I always felt so safe in your arms except for now that I have to watch my every move.
-I always felt like your hand fit perfectly into mine (lame wishful thinking)
-You never had to worry about your brother and me, there was never anyone except for you.
-I thought we were going to get married and become missionaries.
-I gave you my heart.
-The random times I could make you laugh after 'everything' I didn't know if I would be able to breathe after that smile.
-I dressed up so you would be proud to introduce me to your friends and you ignored me until they were out of the car. I wondered what I'd done wrong.
-I nearly died ever time you were close enough for me to feel your breathe on my face.
-I love your hair when it just curls.
-I will never get rid of the books you gave me even if I never read them-just because they were from you.
-I waited for hours for you to come online even if I knew you wouldn't talk to me.
-You gave me so much hope.
-I can't sleep because I can't get you out of my mind.
-Our times in the sound booth when we prayed together were when I needed prayer the most.
-I felt horrible when you didn't want to tell people how you felt about me.
-I will probably care about you for years to come.
-I thought I may have loved you.
I changed my future from being the cat lady to being with you then switched back when you left.
-I want to pray with you.
-It hurt when you said my hands were gross after I played bloody knuckles-at first you kissed my hands.
-I want you to know all of this.
-If you would just read my blogs you would be reading everything you ever needed to know about me.
-I think she's amazing.
-I can't stand the thought of you breaking her heart-I know how it feels.
-I love how deep your brown eyes are.
-Your imperfections gleam beautifully.
-I think you look amazing in those disgusting jeans you own.
-I fell for you when I first saw you even though I promised myself I wouldn't give you a second glance.
-At ATF you saved me from extreme embarrassment.
-You are my knight in shining armor.
-I'd take you back in a minute.
-I want to see you everyday-it's just wishful thinking.
-I remember how supportive you were when I nailed my insecurities to the cross.
-I didn't want to leave you that day.
-I want to spend every second with you but I won't because I need to seem strong by myself...she needs you.
-I love how you want me to stop working out.
-The cross you made for me will always be on my wall intertwined with my flower.
-I want the table you made for me.
-I wish we'd taken more pictures when we had the chance so I could see you again.
-I knew you stopped liking me (when you flirted with her and walked away from me)
-I will always remember that amazing day we played pool together you were a hilarious gentleman.
-I'm only starting to now realize that I have no idea how you got over me so fast after claiming that you thought you were in love with me.
-I still try to catch your eye and make you smile.
-I want to walk away because it hurts so much that I meant everything to you and you meant nothing to me.
-I hated it when you were sick and wouldn't eat or do anything. It scared me.
-I hated when you were angry at me.
-I can't go through Newmarket without associating it with you.
I'm afraid your dad only really talked to me because he wanted us to get together.
-I want to call you every night, I miss you all the time, and I don't stop thinking about you.

Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. I ask myself what was so good about her but I can only come to one conclusion: She was, what I was not and...I'm sorry. I'm finally starting to be okay.