This day

Hurting inside, I will finally come to the useless conclusion that he is not coming back. He's doing what he wants, because I was not what he wanted and no matter how much I tend to deny the fact that I was ever affected by his promises, they were what mattered most to me.
I'm falling apart with everyone mention of your name, the only thing keeping me sane is the revelation of tomorrow. You're not here to say what you always used to say. It was always easy for me to run from you because I knew what kind of person you had the potential to be...
just like everyone else.
You never changed into that person until now. I could always make you smile but your smile's turned to gray, you frown's been put in place. I've been praying that you make it through and that's when I lost you.
It is bliss between giving up and living makes me wonder if it was something I did, something I said.I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you. I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry in front of you. If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll say "Just fine." but the truth is, if you could read my mind, not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
Remember that you're not alone even though it hurts so much to think of this. So from my thoughts I will exclude the very thing that I hate more than everything; the way I'm powerful to dictate my own moves. When I go down I go down hard but I won't be made useless or idol with despair. I've been given light with faith and I will never be broken.
So I won't cry. There's nothing to do except to leave because he deserves the best...and that will be without me. I wasn't good enough when he finally knew me, so why now?...why do I let him...you in?
But please don't walk away. You see the questions in my mind, the hurt in my eyes and I know it scares you time and time again. Stop looking for answers, they are right in front of your eyes. Ask with care in your embrace, not with fear of what I'll say.
I hate the way you won't touch me anymore. How, if you support me, the scariest thing to you is that you will feel for me again. Don't worry. I won't let you jeopardize your relationships. I want you to be happy.
-0-0-0-
On the stairs she sits and waits, She's crying out but no one even cares. Holding in the hurt and pain, looking for love to come pull her from this place.
-0-0-0-
I'm not going to sit and stay in silence and I'm not going to walk away. You're quiet when I need a word of grace, and you quit before we even tried. You walked away when I needed you most but I can't be mad anymore. But I'm so tired of being here, tired of faking a smile when you're near. I'm trying so hard to tell myself that you're gone and even though you're right in front of me. I'm ,one again, all alone.

Comfort.

When things get bad and your life turns upside down sometimes all you can do is sit in the rain and pray...Pray that you won't try to find out why everything is happening but accept the pain and pray for comfort...And then, with hope, will come a rainbow.

Hope.

Remember that feeling of completely hopelessness?...like it's impossible to be close to God.
When your world is crashing around you and the only thing you need is a hug and God and both are out of your reach.
You ask for comfort in God because it's the only thing that you imagine could possibly help at a time like this..
and you wait
patiently
for it to come...
but all you feel is a restlessness inside you...
when you wake up in the morning expecting to feel some kind of hope...
but you only see the sun of a not so bright morning.
That's where I'm at.

Free Writing-2

Write. Breathe. Think. Assume the best, the worst.
Fear. Cold sweat. Pray. Plaster your memory with good times. Accept the words he gave. Read...
Alarm. Surprise. A dead, cold silence. Anger. Despair. Humility. Confusion.

I am bewildered with a loss of my words. Every ounce of my heart strung soul cries out for victory against this childish nightmare of broken friendship. Every breathe comes with new aches and groans, every thought with new disappointments.

Why have you forsaken me to rot on a red canvas of blood, walking away in my time of need? Elbows, naught faces, dark circles under eyes have portrayed a feeling of lost love but even before, lost respect.

Your glance was so intense I felt as though you were undressing the layers of my heart with every piercing stare. your thoughts were so deep and unlike any I'd heard of and yet so wrong and filled with deception I turned my head away in disgust.

As I start a new story with a new day I wonder, at what thought of occupation could you have possibly assumed we would be together. What area of your mind ached for my returning gaze, smile, touch...

I didn't agree with your methods of humiliation nor your thoughts on disputing issues. Your callused hands fit so perfectly into mine and yet the bond was so distorted I could no feel your hand in mind. A soft brush of your lips in my hair felt something like fear for I realized you had some control over me, no matter how small.

A letter of adoration. A letter of pain. I told you we'd no longer sing in the rain, told you to step away from this shield I'd made that you had penetrated.

This unfair, unjust world we live in. You are alone as am I, our feelings displayed on parchment paper as black on white. Betrayal is what you have shown.

And yet, you place your head by hers and murmur words into her ear. You look satisfied and content beyond what words I can describe. Puzzled beyond exclamation and bleeding a hurt I had now allowed before, I will quietly focus my attention elsewhere to someone who has not so forcefully broken my trust. Simplicity was near before you appeared and is now lost forever.