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Hi. It's the end of this blog. The beginning of a new one.
Blog name to come. :)

I'm sick of being so wishy washy.

I would really like to be content for days to come, not just one.

And I know that it's about a choice that you make, to make the day the best it can be, it's about a choice to wake up in the morning and follow the Lord.

And I want to do that. I want to wake up and follow the Lord, no strings attatched, no complaints, no excuses.

I'd like to do that.

Today, Tomorrow, and Forever.







Sometimes I get afraid of living with someone forever, but for some reason I never get afraid of having my life commited to God forever.

Sometimes we think we need to make God feel real...

But we don't, because he already is.

I got eaten by a dress this week.
It attacked my face!
Then I bit my lip.

And....I think that I'm wondering why guys like curvey girls.
Cause, I don't really like being one. Just sayin.

And also,
A scheming hat seller tricked me into buy two hats!
I love them.

YouTube - Doris Day - Day by Day

So...if no one has ever heard this song, I think you should really listen to it.
It's beautiful.

In China, Cherry Blossoms mean that it's spring.
But...It's not spring here.

Give it up Tess, would you?

Give me the opportunity to do something nice for someone Lord,
give me to chance...because

I want to be able to see when peoples feet need washing,
I need to be able to see when people need tea.

Let's throw me out and get a new one because I'm just not matchin up to my thought of me...

A friend loves at all times, But who a better friend than you?
A child so carefree in your arms, Who a better father than you?

And I have so many plans of my own, so many questions that I have for you Lord...
Like what in heavens name is with this bible study idea?
Why tea with people that need to know you, not me?
Why face my fears when they are so much more easily vanquished into storybooks and fairytales.

"I want to be love, and have love, and not just that sort of romantic love either."-Hathaway

And lately I've been questioning why?

Why is he home so unfrequently?... And why do I want to badly to just speak with him? And could I just have some dang time to figure it out?....

And sadly enough I've been making a list of to do's...

To do...
1. Go to van. Why? -rule out as dumb idea....unless.
1. a) revised...Go to van and have tea with two lovely ladies.
2. Have a bible study. Why?
SO MANY GOOD REASONS--who is there out there who needs not to learn? And furthermore, acting on the faith that I know is missing, will create it. God be my guide. And I don't need to speak the right words, I don't need to be intense or unique. I don't even need to say a word. Because his word is sufficient.
3. Go to tea with people that are important to him...because, well because he's important to me and because God is love...and love is relationships.
....side note....
Is it not weird that it's always about goin out to tea?

It's like...there's so much more.

4. Talk to dad.
5. Call Ontario...call all.
6. Cut hair.
7. Read books.
8. YOU KNOW??????????

"He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him." --John 1:10

I don't want my love to be recognized by the world...but by the word, by God.

I just don't want to be dumb anymore.

9. Love...and Pray.

Somewhere between this morning and tonight,

I came to the conclusion that you are definitely just as good of a friend, as you are a boyfriend.

And that I've lost what I'm looking for.
I was waiting for an answer, something to give me the go on being with you for this time...
And I'm not sure if this calm reassuring peace means anything,
But it's been a constant stance in my heart that's beating.
I don't know if you can see me,
But I'm breaking in an unexpected way.
All of the things that have torn me down, are being discarded.
You're showing me how to be a servant,
How to show the Lords love...his grace.

"Lay awake at night. Cry, you know it's not alright to feel like your falling into nothing, you can learn to fly, just call his name."

And I think I'm just growing a mess of nothingness.
It's so rediculous.
It's almost as though I know I don't need you,
But I would rather not leave without you.

More than that though, I want to know you. I want to know what makes you angry, I want to know what makes you sad, I want to know how you drive, and what your hair looks like when you wake up in the morning.
It's so dumb because I would like to know how you show so much love for the Lord, and how I can do it.

You say that you'll wait until you're 40, that you are at peace with waiting for me to look to God and find an answer.

My wonderful question is, what if I never do?

I want to know.

Memories

There's one simple action I have remember for as long as I can think of things.

One day my mother and I were at Tim Hortons.
We'd grabbed our meals, held hands, and prayed for the meal.
When we were halfway done eating a lady from a couple tables away from us got us and walked past us, before she left, putting a napkin beside my mum on the table.

My mum looked at me, looked at the ladies back as she walked away and picked up the napkin.
I'm sure she had no idea what to expect.

When she looked at the napkin there were a couple words on it. Something like this...

"It's so great to see those who love the Lord, praying together in worship of him. Thank-you for encouraging those around us, and thank-you for renewing my hope in this world."

I don't know why but I've never been able to get that lady out of my head.

Isn't it so simple to encourage others in their faith. Isn't it so easy to sit and pray before a meal.

5 seconds away from drowning.

Note to you.

Note to You: It's hard here. I'm getting sick of being treated like it isn't. I've almost never felt more alone in my life. Try it sometime. And I'm sorry, for your loss...but don't pretend mine isn't any less real.

Happy Birthday Jesus. Thank you.

Lord, there can be no goodness in us, if you withdraw yourself.
No wisdom can benefit us, if you cease to guide us.
No strength can preserve us, if you no longer defend.
No purity can be secure, if you do not guard it.
No watchfulness of our own can protect us, if you do not keep watch.

If you abandon us, we are soon lost and perish. But if you come to us,
with your grace, we are lifted up to live again.

We are weak, but you make us strong.
We are cold and dull, but by you we are set ablaze.

-Thomas a Kempis

I hate how it has to be this way.
I've lived my whole life working to separate myself from you,
from people like you who could get under my skin.
Now that I've met you I'm convinced I could never get hurt,
Only because I refuse to open up myself to something to cynical as "love".
Not to say that I love you, or that you love me...but I know that in the future
this could be a possibility.

I don't want to run from you.
I want want to tell you that I so often run, why would I want to worry you.
But sometimes silence is so much worse as an unspoken.
Sometimes my silence means a patter of footsteps down a cement sidewalk,
One that is never ending.

I feel like somethings wrong with me.
I know it isn't anything to do with you.
You're probably the best thing that's happened to me... in a long time.
But if so, why am I getting this unexplainable urge to take the 1000 meter dash away from here,
and away from you.

This is me not really being okay.

Not really being upset.

Not being content.



Everything is such a mess.



Clouded in the vision of all of this indecision is a brief feeling of okayness.

I feel like somehow in the midst of all this crap there is also a reason to be thankful.



I thought that families being united would bring me a sense of conclusiveness. But it hasn't.

It's brought the same doubt as before. The same worry and the same lack of involvement.

I don't know what I want.

I thought I wanted us to all be together. I thought I wanted to know, and now I find out that I don't.

The beginning of the rest of your life is now.

I'm not scared you'll walk away anymore. Sometimes I wish you would.

I can't be that person for you anymore.

For everyone I've left behind.

I can't be there.

The Lord gave and took away.

I feel like he took me away from everyone in Ontario because he knew that I needed to go.

Because there were some who relied on me to be the love from Jesus.

Because there were those who relied on me to tell them right from wrong.

I'm sorry...

I want to be able to tell you, to help you, to encourage you.

But I don't think I'm allowed to anymore.

I've been enabling everyone to live in sin, because i've enabled them to pretend that they don't know.

Well, you know...

I can't tell you everytime you seek insight, to turn to Jesus.

You need to go there on your own.

He will never leave you of forsake you.

He will never bring you into the pit of dispair without offering a miraculous way out.

He will never bring you to your knees without offering you a hand up.

He loves you...

Turn to him.

Please...turn to him.

You know who you are...

And, to think that I'm sitting here, almost crying.
I know that I haven't been there for you, and it's because it's too hard.
I try to call. I try to get a hold of you but it seems like everything I do is completely for nothing.
You're never home, when you are you aren't there.
And even this now is a sort of excuse for calling you up.
It's too late and I don't know what you're up.
It's too late and I just don't have the mind to call,
I don't have the excuses to explain why I haven't.

And yet I do.
The time change is too different and have you even tried to call?
Have you left your comfortable zone of not speaking with me to give me a call.
You know, I've talked to everyone else more than I have you.
I've talked to people that haven't spoken with me for real, in years.
And then there's those others who were closest to me who don't even give me the time of day.
Where the heck are you guys?
Where are you?...

You'll go on living the way that you do, as will I.
I know that you don't need me and I don't need you,
Although I wish you were back in my life.
I know that I can't ever do anything right enough for you.
Every single call is too short, each message I leave not good enough for your time.
And no, I'm not angry.
I feel like you don't care anymore.
I feel like it doesn't matter to you so much that you have no one, that it's me who is gone.

I know I'm being selfish, you're probably thinking, "What a spoiled brat!"
And you know, I am spoiled.
But I'm also hurting.
I'm also lonely.
I'm also confused.
I don't know when to call, when you'll have time for me.
I don't know what you're doing, if you even want to talk.
I don't know if you'll be watching t.v., too concentrated on that to talk with me.
So I won't call.

I won't call.

This is my cry out to you.
I know that you're hurting. I know that it's hard.
But I also know that you don't know how I feel.
I also know that we're both too busy with our own hurt to see each others.
I know that you don't think it's difficult for me out here anymore.

But here's a rundown, since we never have time to talk anywhere else.

I don't know what I'm doing with the rest of my life.
I'm struggling because my family needs me, my sisters need me, and yet I don't know if God needs me elsewhere...I can't hear him.
I work. Maybe not as much as you but I work all weekend, I have 7 classes that I have to uphold...classes that give me so much work that I'm up to my ears every night...
I drink tea to stay awake and read my bible in the morning so I don't cry myself to sleep.
I breathe deeply and live ONLY for today because tomorrow would be too hard to think about.
I'm embarrassed. Every day I am met with humility. I can never be good enough down here.
I'm more alone that you realize. My only friends are gone, in Ontario, Alberta, around the world...All gone. I don't dream about hope anymore, I just try to grasp it as reality. I am exhausted and I don't really know where to go anymore...

But so overwhelmed with feelings of compassion, feelings of hope, feelings of unrest. I'm in such a lack of serinity that I don't know what I'm looking for anymore.

I'm okay.
If this is too much for you don't call. If you have too much on your plate you know I will call soon. When I call it'll be to hear a friendly voice. That's all I need. But I can't read your mind. I'm not perfect. I won't call when you need me, sometimes not even when you want me. Sometimes I won't call at all.
But I love you.
I will always love you.

Sometimes you can be in a house full of people and feel the same dissatisfaction than as if you were alone.

You're sayin he'd listen if I'd like to speak. Who is this Jesus you speak of?
He'll take you out of this puddle you're drowning in. Listen , the good news is coming. Soon the end will come and restoration and peace will be in front of your eyes.

But what are we then to do when the darkness is closing in and our feelings are breaking thin.


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Breathe deeply, take in today. Pray for the peace and the pace that is needed to step through each day. Smile and nod. Love others. Treat the way you would want to be treated. But most of all love.
Love. Most of all.