One of those nights...

It's one of those nights when I am sitting up late wondering what went wrong.
I'm wondering what I did, what I could have possibly said that made you go.
I'm wondering how she has captured your heart, when I could not.

I'm not sure why these nights come. I'm not sure why my heart aches in loneliness when I can scarcely see because it's so late. It's 12:04, a start of a new day, and for some reason I cannot bring myself to start this day the way I should: On my knees in front of a Lord who loves me.

I'm hurting, I'm numb, I'm physically aching and yet I cannot bring myself to come into the presence of someone who will never leave me, nor forsake me. I've escaped dealing with this for too long.

Why did he leave?
Why did he walk away when I really did need him the most?
Why is it that no matter what, each memory we've shared gets jaded by my thoughts.
I don't want to forget but I cannot stop myself from making these forget-me-nots go away.



...Why? Why do you insist on talking about her? Do you ever think about how I feel, how it feels to have the reminder of this broken relationship in every conversation we have? Do you know what you mean to me? Do you know that the thing I fear the most is happening: you are slowly fading away. When I move I will be only a small reminder of a girl you once knew...

This all should probably mean that you should not be seen in my life as more than a good memory, more than a boy that I once loved. But I've given you more than that. There was a time that I gave you not only my heart, but my intelligence, my insecurities, my passions, me...on the line...

It was always me on the line.



I'm not sure if you see what you put me through or choose to close your eyes to this. I'm not sure if you are blind when it comes to me. I have brought myself to this senseless worry of goodbyes. I keep on questioning what I'll do when you slowly fade away from my life when I'm gone but you are already moving into the distance, you're already becoming a figment of my past.

Usually when I love this deep, when I feel this unfathomable feeling of desperate oneness, I cry out to my father in heaven with a plea of mercy. I pray that if there is nothing left to do, would he please hear this cry of mind. Would he please make it so that I finally get over this young man who I allowed into my life.

I can't do it this time. The one time that I let my emotions get the best of me, the child in me ceased to exist, I gave up any hope of a lasting relationship. I cannot let that happen again. I was pulled out of the shame I was feeling, the profound feeling of 'not being good enough' that had convinced me I would never be enough. He made me feel as though I was good enough, he gave me a hope that God still thought I was good enough.

I am afraid that if I take the memory of him away I will disappear in such strong insecurity that I'll break everyone in my path. I loved him. What happened? What went so wrong that he left? What was the point of this...

I know that I know. I know that in my heart I know it was a building of me, a preparation to something better...but I don't want him to go. I don't want to loose what I thought would be perfect.

There have been so many dreams brought into this past, I can hardly remember where they came from.