Daddy

Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.
Thank-you for showing me that after an insanely long phone call, I can praise you about nothing particular.
Thank-you for allowing me to bring a little bit of love to a breaking heart.
Thank-you for helping me to not care if anyone else cares about what I just did.
Thank-you for continually allowing me to see that there is no shame in being afraid.
Thank-you for bringing me peace when I didn't think it was possible.
Thank-you for giving me time to talk with you while I was at work, even less alone then I should have been.
Thank-you for sending the rain to me, to the flowers, to the trees, and to every other hurting person who wanted the world to reflect their tears.
Thank-you for helping me to empathize and not sound like a hypocrite.
Thank-you for loving me uncondishionally.
Thank-you for sharing your sons with me.
Thank-you for Will and Ame and Matt.
Thank-you for this beautiful day.
Thank-you for cameras that can capture a moment in time.
Thank-you for the hope of tomorrow.
Thank-you for reassuring me that tomorrow will bring new sun.

But please...
Please help him to see that you love him.
Please help her to trust in you and show you how she feels.
Please help him to understand pain he puts himself through.
Please help her to stop hiding from your love.
Please help her to rely on you.
Please help him to see your love in a broken family, in a broken world.
Please help this generation to stay strong.
Please come and show us a miracle.
Please speak into our lives, every second of every day.
We want you to be real to us.

Please bring me to a place where I can cry in your presence.
Please bring me to my knees in worship.
Please help me to be honast, and trust that you have the world in your hands.
Please help me to hug with feeling, and love.
Please help me to share with my heart on the line.
Please speak to me with a miracle at hand.

Thank-you...and Please

Something to affirm,
This broken heart that's been so torn.
Somehow to relate,
This break of faith I can't escape.
Missed that person to bring the bonds,
Of holding hands-more than a touch.
A brush,
A blink.
A singing song, a tear, a wink.
I want to scream,
Frustration blooms within these lips
And I can scarsly see past your looming words.
Get away from me,
stop making me feel as though I've got no where to run.
You're in my heart so you've spoiled my fun.
I love you,
I can't help but wonder how much of this is true.
I've been searching for someone,
Just never though it would be you.

My questions

Why do you not let me comfort you? Why are you allowed to get angry at me for turning away from you, when I am not allowed to frusterated with you? Why is it always me that you won't look at? Why do I have to be the one you won't let see your pain? Why am I the one who must work the hardest to figure out what is wrong with you?

Why is it my fault for keeping my secrets from you, when you turn your face away from me in the midst of your shame? Why is it I who always feels left out? Why are you allowed to comfort me, and a couple seconds later you will not look at me, speak to me, let me touch you, let me talk to you?

How is that fair? What do you think you're doing? How do you think it makes me feel?

I have become completely helpless to this childish game that you play. Why am I always the one who feels hurt in the end.

It isn't me who has turned away, it's you.

Dear Self

You seem to constantly forget that you are wonderful.
You forget that you were made for a purpose, and you forget to laugh.
You regret the things that you've done and you let them stunt you in the future.
You can't keep on living in the past.
You hardly ever let people come near your heart, and when you do it's for a short time because you're afraid. You smile when you aren't happy and you laugh when you'd rather cry.
Why?
You've put up a wall around yourself to keep people out. You've convinced yourself that what you do and say is right even though it ends up hurting you. You don't believe that you are beautiful, that you are talented, that you are smart. You don't believe that you are worth the love that God has given to you. You don't believe.

Start to see.
Start to understand the concept of love, the beauty of forgiveness. Start to allow people to come close to you. Live like your father would want you to. Love like there will never be a tomorrow. Show people who God has made you to be, and stop being afraid.
You have no reason to be.
See yourself for who you are, see others as they see you.
Refuse to judge, care with your heart on your sleeve, and breathe each day in and out.
Believe in the The Hope.
Dear Self,

Learn to love.

I miss you Lord,
I miss your hand on my shoulder, Dad.
I miss you.
I know your love isn't a feeling,
but I miss when my mind was reeling with thoughts of you.
Father, I miss you love.
I miss knowing that you are there.
I miss you.

Hating this.

Don't be fooled

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the mask I wear.
For I wear a mask,
a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is and art that's second nature to me,
but don't be fooled.
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surfaces my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically try to create a mask to hide behind
,a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from my self,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstaking erect.
It's the only think that will assure me of what I can't assure myself
that I'm really worth something.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last think I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the bland stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time your kind gentle and encouraging each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings,
very small wings,very feeble wings,but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
Who am I, you may wonder
I and someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet,and I am every women you meet
Don't be fooled

Loosing it.

The scariest thought of today is that I'm loosing it.

I'm slowly letting go of the motivation I had to care.

I've let go of everything I once cared about.

I do nothing, I say nothing about what is going on.

I'm slowly letting go and I have nothing to say about it because I've just come to the realization

that breaking free of the hold society had on me has brought me to a state of complete and utter

blindness.

I can't see what is right in front of me.

I can't feel the touch of a finger on my skin.

The tears I'm longing to cry won't even emerge from my throat.

I've lost it somewhere on this road.



I'm waiting for the thunder to give me a jolt of feeling.

I was the sun to shine a brillant display of colors.

I want to feel his love again: to sense the sweet caring of my Lord's love.

I want to be able to feel for other people.

I don't care anymore

I don't care that I'm offshore and swimming farther away.

and I'm afraid that I'm loosing it.

This is bittersweet.

Avril Lavigne-I will be

Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain the tears they cry
Still you never said goodbye
and now I know how far you’d go
I know I let you down but its not like that now
This time I’ll never let you go
I will be all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I’ll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing ok
I thought that I had everything
I didn’t know what life could bring
But now I see honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breath cause you're here with me
And if I let you down I’ll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go
I will be all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I’ll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing ok
Cause with out you I can’t sleep
I’m not gonna ever ever let you leave
You’re all I got
You’re all I want
Yeah
And with out you
I don’t know what I’ll do
I could never ever live a day with out you
Here with me do you see you're all I need
And I will be all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life (my life) I will be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing okay
I will be (I’ll be) all that you want and get my self together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life you know
I will be with you forever
To get you through the day and make every thing okay

My Mornings.

The wind whistles through the trees
The sunrise sings in the quiet breeze.
A gorgeous day has just begun,
And I am running with the burning sun.
My eyes adjust to streaks of light,
As housetops gleam, my mind is bright.
The Lord has brought a brand new day,
For me to pray my sins away.
Each day is perfect before the fall,
When man wakes up and selfishness calls.
I struggle with this every day,
As the light cries in my cover's frays.
Each blink I give my life away,
To my great God, "Mold me, like clay."
When each new sunrise makes days longer,
The sunset shapes me into one much stronger.

I may still like you, but I'm over you.
I've decided that you don't have any affect on me anymore.
So there.

Correction

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I make it so easy for someone to talk
and walk all over my heart.
I open myself up to all of these fears,
years that I hid are beginning to fade.
I don't understand me.

And then I go and blame you.
The blame is half mine.
Would you please just give me a sign that shows you forgive me?
I know you don't care for me the way I care for you,
but can you forgive me for not watching what I do.
I was stupid and I was blind,
Please forgive me for trying to get the love I couldn't find.

I'm sorry about the things I've said,
The lies I keep from you.
I'm so covered up in these masks I've made,
That I've run from every truth.

It started feeling clearer,
like everything had changed.
But my fears came back, drown me out again,
And I'm stealing away your ability to hear the truth.
I've stolen your ability to have a normal friendship.

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I fall so hard for the people who will leave?
I can't possibly percieve how it feels,
to have your heart really broken in two,
cause this feeling I'm feeling is normal.
This feeling is anything but new.
I'm used to the lies and the fear in my face,
but I'm not used to hurting you in this place.

I didn't mean to hurt her,
And you didn't mean, to seem, to cheat.
I know that you do love her,
More than you ever loved me.
Please ask for her forgiveness,
on my behalf.
I'm feeling so much guilt inside
and I know it's no excuse
But normally I don't let people in enough,
to hurt me with their youth.
Please tell her that I'm sorry,
I never meant to interfere.
Please know that she is very blessed,
To have you be so near.

I'm tempted just to step away,
I'm causing so much fear.
It would be easier for her to see,
how much you care, without me here.
My correction is to blame myself,
for letting too much in,
To ever let my heart back out,
of the mess it finds within.

Why Do You Do This To Me?

One of those nights...

It's one of those nights when I am sitting up late wondering what went wrong.
I'm wondering what I did, what I could have possibly said that made you go.
I'm wondering how she has captured your heart, when I could not.

I'm not sure why these nights come. I'm not sure why my heart aches in loneliness when I can scarcely see because it's so late. It's 12:04, a start of a new day, and for some reason I cannot bring myself to start this day the way I should: On my knees in front of a Lord who loves me.

I'm hurting, I'm numb, I'm physically aching and yet I cannot bring myself to come into the presence of someone who will never leave me, nor forsake me. I've escaped dealing with this for too long.

Why did he leave?
Why did he walk away when I really did need him the most?
Why is it that no matter what, each memory we've shared gets jaded by my thoughts.
I don't want to forget but I cannot stop myself from making these forget-me-nots go away.



...Why? Why do you insist on talking about her? Do you ever think about how I feel, how it feels to have the reminder of this broken relationship in every conversation we have? Do you know what you mean to me? Do you know that the thing I fear the most is happening: you are slowly fading away. When I move I will be only a small reminder of a girl you once knew...

This all should probably mean that you should not be seen in my life as more than a good memory, more than a boy that I once loved. But I've given you more than that. There was a time that I gave you not only my heart, but my intelligence, my insecurities, my passions, me...on the line...

It was always me on the line.



I'm not sure if you see what you put me through or choose to close your eyes to this. I'm not sure if you are blind when it comes to me. I have brought myself to this senseless worry of goodbyes. I keep on questioning what I'll do when you slowly fade away from my life when I'm gone but you are already moving into the distance, you're already becoming a figment of my past.

Usually when I love this deep, when I feel this unfathomable feeling of desperate oneness, I cry out to my father in heaven with a plea of mercy. I pray that if there is nothing left to do, would he please hear this cry of mind. Would he please make it so that I finally get over this young man who I allowed into my life.

I can't do it this time. The one time that I let my emotions get the best of me, the child in me ceased to exist, I gave up any hope of a lasting relationship. I cannot let that happen again. I was pulled out of the shame I was feeling, the profound feeling of 'not being good enough' that had convinced me I would never be enough. He made me feel as though I was good enough, he gave me a hope that God still thought I was good enough.

I am afraid that if I take the memory of him away I will disappear in such strong insecurity that I'll break everyone in my path. I loved him. What happened? What went so wrong that he left? What was the point of this...

I know that I know. I know that in my heart I know it was a building of me, a preparation to something better...but I don't want him to go. I don't want to loose what I thought would be perfect.

There have been so many dreams brought into this past, I can hardly remember where they came from.

What we need...

Listen to me-sit there and allow me to talk. No anecdotes or profound answers are necessary. I don't want answers. I just want you to be okay with my questions.

Last with me-I long for someone to be there in those hours when I'm afraid to call anyone else. Be available to see me through the long haul. Show me that you will not abandon me like so many have. Model a friend that does not desert me or run away when things get hard. As the years go by, show me that you are not only someone I can look up to, but that you are also someone I can walk beside.

Love on me-Show me a love that keeps on loving even when I make mistakes or embarrass you. Show me that you can dream for me when I have no belief in my own capability. Show me that you believe in me when the world is telling me that I have failed. Be someone I can respect and look up to. Give me tangible evidence of unconditional love.

Learn from me-Sit with me and learn from my life lessons. Hear what I have to say before you tell me all the things you know. It's freeing to encounter a woman who is humble enough to push her years and knowledge aside in order to hear mine.

Live with me-I love to live abundantly and fully as possible but I don't want to do it alone. Show me your faith lived out. I'd rather see a sermon than hear one. I'd rather you walk with me and watch you point the way. I want to see you live a radical life, one that is extreme and irrational at times. I want to see who you are when no one is looking.

(Caye Siller)-and other ideas.

I think we all need to see the friend behind the mask of a frightened person in times of trouble. We all need someone to lean on.