Desperately searching for a reason to open my eyes in the morning.
Piecing together the pieces of my broken heart.
Throwing back the covers and feeling the bitter air bite at my legs,
I don't want to live another day in this pathetic existence.
Every piece of my soul screams for a reason for this day,
I bind back every scorching comment of my insincerity and insecurities.
I'm sick of pretending that this morning when I woke up life was better than before.
I'm sick listening to my mind as it tells me the legistics of this day.
I'm sick of staying up until my body no longer functions as my brain races with the worries of the moment.
Lord, save me from myself and this place that I am at.
I know that when things get bad to worse it becomes my fault when I steer away from the truth,
But the truth of the matter is that I need you now more than ever.
I ache with every mispoken lie, as tears roll down these cheeks.
I miss you as each time I inhale the sweet air my glass heart begins to crunch and shatter against the concrete floors.
I sigh with every missed opportunity, as each day rolls by.
Please don't forsake me in times like these.
I miss you.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sex God, by Rob Bell
I know there's a lot of quotes from books lately but there's been a lot of good ones. Read this girls and be encouraged.
"You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're god enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.
You are worth dying for.
You worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. You worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator.
You don't have to give yourself away to earn a man's love. You're better than that. You're already loved.
Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with honor and dignity that are yours, it forces men around you to relate to you on more then just a flesh level.
You are worth dying for."
"You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're god enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.
You are worth dying for.
You worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. You worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator.
You don't have to give yourself away to earn a man's love. You're better than that. You're already loved.
Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with honor and dignity that are yours, it forces men around you to relate to you on more then just a flesh level.
You are worth dying for."
Friday, March 27, 2009
About feeling too small.
There are snowstorms. There are hailstorms. There are rainstorms. And their are doubtstorms.(From In the Eye of the Storm by Max Lucado)
Every so often a doubtstorm rolls into my life, bringing with it a flurry of questions and a gale-force winds of fear. And, soon after it comes, a light shines through it.
Sometimes the storm comes after the evening news. Some nights I wonder why I watch it. Some nights it's just too much. From the steps of the Supreme Court to the steppes of South Africa, the news is usually gloomy...thirty minutes of bite-sized tragedies. A handsome man in a nice suit with a warm voice gives bad news. They call him the anchorman. Good title. One needs an anchor in today's tempestuous waters...
Sometimes the storm comes when I'm at work. Story after story of homes that won't heal and hearts that won't melt. Always more hunger than food. More needs than money. More questions than answers. On Sundays I stand before a church with a three-point outline in my hand, thirty minutes on the clock, and a prayer on my lips. I do my best to say something that will convince a stranger that an unseen God still hears.
And I sometimes wonder why so many hearts have to hurt.
Do you ever get doubtstorms? Some of you don't, I know. I've talked to you. Some of you have a "Davidish" optimism that defies any Goliath. I used to think that you were naive at the best and phony at the worst.
I don't think that anymore.
I think you are gifted. You are gifted with faith. You can see the rainbow before the clouds part. But others of you wonder...
You wonder what others know that you don't. You wonder if you are blond or if they are. You wonder why some proclaim "Eureka" before the gold is found. You wonder why some shout "Land ho" before the fog has cleared. You wonder how some people believe so confidently while you believe so reluctantly.
As a result, you are a bit uncomfortable on the padded pew of blind belief. Your Bible her is Thomas. Your middle name is Caution. Your queries are the bane of every Sunday school teacher.
"If God is so good, why do I sometimes feel so bad?"
"If his message is so clear, why do I get so confused?"
"If the Father is in control, why do good people have gut-wrenching problems?"
You wonder if it is a blessing or a curse to have a mind that never rests...
Tough questions. Throw-in-the-towel questions. Question the disciples must have asked....
Where is God when his world is stormy?
Doubtstorms: turbulent days when the enemy is too big, the task too great, the future to bleak, and the answers too few...
"When God comes," we doubters think, "all pain will flee. Life will be tranquil. No questions will remain."
And because we look for the bonfire, we miss the candle. Because we listen for the shout, we miss the whisper.
But it is in burnished candles that God comes, and through whispered promises he speaks: "when you doubt, look around; I am closer than you think."
I was reading my bible and this was in the Life Lesson on the side. It really spoke to me because sometimes I feel as though when: the answers are too few, the days bleak, and the storm too big I need to look harder for God to speak in huge ways too me. Sometimes I miss out on the candle because I'm looking too hard for a great big flame. Remember that you are never too small to make a difference and that life is never too hard. When you feel as though your world is crumbling down and that it is impossible to see God remember that he sees you. That he cries when you feel sadness and laughs at your jokes. He loves you a whole lot. Don't ever forget that you are never alone, even in times like these.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Love for the broken heart.
Tears stream down his stubborn face.
Unwilling to let others see this take place,
He leaves: judged, unloved, misguided.
Each mock they make reminds him how divided,
He is from this nation,
Every step he takes farther from his generation.
Let's stand in still belief,
For these thoughts are all our grief.
For these mornings we look up with frowns instead of smiles,
Thinking we'll have to walk millions of miles.
For these teens who only see what is wrong,
But are truly beautiful and very strong.
Let's stand with courage and right pride,
Knowing there is always someone by our side.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
What a stunning girl I see,
Who'll raise her hand in such a plea,
Comparing others to herself,
Good enough, not, as dusty books on some shelves.
Although she can make it through the night,
She can't stand herself, closes her eyes at her sight.
Plagued by her image in the mirror.
She can never see herself any clearer.
The only way to see her worth,
Is to look for some beauty in her birth.
We all have the ability,
To stand with humility.
To stop taking wrong from right,
And start breaking up the fights.
Others need to understand their worth,
Doesn't come from face value or the earth.
It comes from deep within their soul,
A hole that's willing to be quenched and made whole.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
Watch as a grandmother cries tears from her heart,
Her body shakes, her soul is torn apart.
She is crying for all of those she's lost,
And wishing they didn't have to pay such a large cost.
A mother's hands shake from all that she's seen,
Oh a conversation, how much would that mean?
She's been left alone for far to long,
Her tears not wiped, her rights been wronged.
Do you not see?
Can you not hear?
These people are clawing to be free,
From all of their life long fears.
All they need is a gracious look,
Someone not seeking for all that they've took.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
He mutters to himself, "Why did I walk away?
Did I not have enough courage, enough pride to say,
That's enough, stop that talk,
Don't you have something else to mock?"
She picks up her feet,
Unwilling to meet defeat.
Putting her head up high,
She resists a sigh.
She's muttering, "I'm beautiful, precious, and true.
Didn't they have someone else to pick on, someone else to make blue?"
The children, these people, don't they deserve more,
Then your stares and your frowns, making each breathe sore.
It isn't about how much you know, but how much you care.
Can you not see, it matters how they fare.
This world is full of people looking out only for 'me',
Is it too hard, to soon, to see,
The tears streaming down children's faces,
Tired of being put in such big spaces.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
He strikes his wrist,
With a golden bliss.
He's ready to end his life,
To take one more breathe and then end this strife.
But the phone rings and he can't make them worry,
Picking up the phone, pushing away his fury.
A voice whispers on the other line,
"Don't take your life, your not alone this time.
Your amazing, with worth that could move the sea,
You need to stop looking to yourself with your plea."
As he puts down his weapon still shaking with fear,
His life he will live, finally with care near.
All that's needed is a light in the dark,
A good conversation on the swings in a park.
People just need to know that someone will be there,
When this world pushes down on them, threatening to tear,
Their life in two,
Their spirit right through.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
Unwilling to let others see this take place,
He leaves: judged, unloved, misguided.
Each mock they make reminds him how divided,
He is from this nation,
Every step he takes farther from his generation.
Let's stand in still belief,
For these thoughts are all our grief.
For these mornings we look up with frowns instead of smiles,
Thinking we'll have to walk millions of miles.
For these teens who only see what is wrong,
But are truly beautiful and very strong.
Let's stand with courage and right pride,
Knowing there is always someone by our side.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
What a stunning girl I see,
Who'll raise her hand in such a plea,
Comparing others to herself,
Good enough, not, as dusty books on some shelves.
Although she can make it through the night,
She can't stand herself, closes her eyes at her sight.
Plagued by her image in the mirror.
She can never see herself any clearer.
The only way to see her worth,
Is to look for some beauty in her birth.
We all have the ability,
To stand with humility.
To stop taking wrong from right,
And start breaking up the fights.
Others need to understand their worth,
Doesn't come from face value or the earth.
It comes from deep within their soul,
A hole that's willing to be quenched and made whole.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
Watch as a grandmother cries tears from her heart,
Her body shakes, her soul is torn apart.
She is crying for all of those she's lost,
And wishing they didn't have to pay such a large cost.
A mother's hands shake from all that she's seen,
Oh a conversation, how much would that mean?
She's been left alone for far to long,
Her tears not wiped, her rights been wronged.
Do you not see?
Can you not hear?
These people are clawing to be free,
From all of their life long fears.
All they need is a gracious look,
Someone not seeking for all that they've took.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
He mutters to himself, "Why did I walk away?
Did I not have enough courage, enough pride to say,
That's enough, stop that talk,
Don't you have something else to mock?"
She picks up her feet,
Unwilling to meet defeat.
Putting her head up high,
She resists a sigh.
She's muttering, "I'm beautiful, precious, and true.
Didn't they have someone else to pick on, someone else to make blue?"
The children, these people, don't they deserve more,
Then your stares and your frowns, making each breathe sore.
It isn't about how much you know, but how much you care.
Can you not see, it matters how they fare.
This world is full of people looking out only for 'me',
Is it too hard, to soon, to see,
The tears streaming down children's faces,
Tired of being put in such big spaces.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
He strikes his wrist,
With a golden bliss.
He's ready to end his life,
To take one more breathe and then end this strife.
But the phone rings and he can't make them worry,
Picking up the phone, pushing away his fury.
A voice whispers on the other line,
"Don't take your life, your not alone this time.
Your amazing, with worth that could move the sea,
You need to stop looking to yourself with your plea."
As he puts down his weapon still shaking with fear,
His life he will live, finally with care near.
All that's needed is a light in the dark,
A good conversation on the swings in a park.
People just need to know that someone will be there,
When this world pushes down on them, threatening to tear,
Their life in two,
Their spirit right through.
We must give love for the broken heart,
And tears for the lives that are torn apart.
Beautiful
Rolling around the word 'beautiful'.
The smell of a Florida breeze as it sweeps past your senses.
The look on a friends face after seeing her for the 1st time in a long time.
A grandmother getting all dressed up for dinner with you.
Waves lapping over sandy beaches.
The realization that although nothing can ever be as it was, it can still be okay.
These things are beautiful.
In this world today miracles are only seen in fairy tales when in reality a baby being born, a mother beating cancer, having enough money to go on a trip, and seeing an old friend...these are all miracles, these are all beautiful.
We are so rich, so spoiled, so blessed with all of these treasures of the world that we don't see the precious, beautiful miracles that show up in front of our faces every day.
As ridiculous as it seems, after playing volleyball with a mid 20 year old black guy on the beach, after talking to him about where he was from and who he was...I became to realize how blessed I was. While on vacation we like to shield ourselves from things that'll test us to do something that we don't want to do. We like to relax and ignore the things and people around us who are hurting. This young man had lost his little brother in a gunning in the 'ghetto' that he lived in. He told us that we were the nicest people he had ever met and all we did was invite him to play volleyball with us.
Guys, what kind of a world do we live in. Did you know that by the time Jesus comes there will be less than 1/10 believers. Less than 1/10 believers. Will you be one of them? Will you look in this world and see the beautiful miracles or become hopeless because of the depth of pain. Be the miracle. Be the believer. Please be beautiful.
The smell of a Florida breeze as it sweeps past your senses.
The look on a friends face after seeing her for the 1st time in a long time.
A grandmother getting all dressed up for dinner with you.
Waves lapping over sandy beaches.
The realization that although nothing can ever be as it was, it can still be okay.
These things are beautiful.
In this world today miracles are only seen in fairy tales when in reality a baby being born, a mother beating cancer, having enough money to go on a trip, and seeing an old friend...these are all miracles, these are all beautiful.
We are so rich, so spoiled, so blessed with all of these treasures of the world that we don't see the precious, beautiful miracles that show up in front of our faces every day.
As ridiculous as it seems, after playing volleyball with a mid 20 year old black guy on the beach, after talking to him about where he was from and who he was...I became to realize how blessed I was. While on vacation we like to shield ourselves from things that'll test us to do something that we don't want to do. We like to relax and ignore the things and people around us who are hurting. This young man had lost his little brother in a gunning in the 'ghetto' that he lived in. He told us that we were the nicest people he had ever met and all we did was invite him to play volleyball with us.
Guys, what kind of a world do we live in. Did you know that by the time Jesus comes there will be less than 1/10 believers. Less than 1/10 believers. Will you be one of them? Will you look in this world and see the beautiful miracles or become hopeless because of the depth of pain. Be the miracle. Be the believer. Please be beautiful.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
You'll never know.
You'll never know that...
-I don't wear the necklace you made for me because I don't need more reminders.
-I keep every one of your letters.
-My favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11.
-Whenever I turned away from you, all I wanted was for you to wrap your arms around me.
-I sing close to the mike because you told me to.
-I cried and threw stuff when you told me it wasn't going to work out anymore.
-I started to work out so I would be good enough for you but I lost you anyways.
-I don't eat around you because I never want you to stop worrying or I'll be out of your mind.
-Whenever I think or read about a missions trip, I think about how you will be going and I won't be.
-I think about you whenever I look out my window.
-"Death by chocolate" on a waffle cone reminds me of you.
-I can't use seasoning salt without remembering how we poured it all over my deck.
-I think of deep sea diving, swimming or sitting with you on the boat whenever I'm near the water.
-When music plays in the summer air I can't help but remember that time you tried to make me dance with you on the lawn.
-Your hugs are the best when you pull me towards you in the dark.
-I wished I'd kissed you those tens of times I'd had a chance.
-I keep the birthday card you gave me on my wall.
-I hope to God the emails we shared will never get deleted but I'll never open them.
-I keep on thinking I should give your sweater back to you (it's lost its smell) but it keeps me warm in freezing cold weather and makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a hug.
-I don't know why I can't make you smile anymore and every time you don't when you're around me, I remember how smiling and laughing was all you used to do around me.
-I wonder if I ever meant anything to you.
-I can only ever think about you sneaking around to hold my hand.
-I regret every time that I ran away from you.
-When we walked around behind your house and I told you that I was moving, that was the most peaceful I'd felt.
-I can't eat cake without thinking of how we used to have cake fights.
-Whenever I go to McDonald's I'm reminded that you know exactly what I always wanted when we went there and always bought it for me.
-Meeting you was one of the best things that has ever happened to me even if you hurt me in the end.
-I can't think about the like without thinking of how you threatened me, holding me over the edge while telling me I looked beautiful.
-I keep my hair long because I know how much you like it.
-I really just want you to hug me while I cry.
-You are the friend I always want around no matter what.
-It hurt me more than anything that you thought badly of my family.
-You used to show me how you felt but now hid it from me. I want to be there.
-I wish we had more memories.
-I think of us throwing McFlurries and sundaes at each other and then helping each other wipe it off our fancy clothes. I can't get rid of those pictures.
-You were always so concerned about how cold my hands were but you were the one with the bad circulation.
-I can't listen to Delilah without thinking about you.
-Whenever I talk about or hear about horses I think about our stupid "pleasure" joke.
-I remember all those times you would come to my house sweaty and gross from biking for an hour and not be able to come in because of your parents hilarious rules.
-You knew when you yelled at me it scared me so you would stop, hold my face in your hands and apologize until I looked you in the eyes.
-It hurt that you didn't care about facts I gave you because you were too caught up in the fake truth that it was a one time thing.
-Whenever I think of snowboarding, I think of how we couldn't go.
-I miss your hugs.
-All I want is for you to be really happy (I just need to see you smile again).
-I go through the dumb bumper stickers that you sent me, over and over again laughing, but not really okay.
-I've tried to write songs about what's going on, but I can't.
-I miss you.
-I will always remember those late night phone calls we had at Natalie's house and how you would sit and listen to me.
-I will never tell you what was really on my mind.
-I think you are so smart.
-When you argue with me I actually physically don't feel well because I feel like we're breaking farther apart.
-I talk to you in my head (weird, I know)
-You will always be my best friend.
-You have always known me without me having to tell you.
-When I talk about you I have to try not to tell you what's going on.
-I loved when you used to randomly play with my hair.
-Your compliments meant the world to me.
-I always wanted to walk with you in the rain.
-I always felt so safe in your arms except for now that I have to watch my every move.
-I always felt like your hand fit perfectly into mine (lame wishful thinking)
-You never had to worry about your brother and me, there was never anyone except for you.
-I thought we were going to get married and become missionaries.
-I gave you my heart.
-The random times I could make you laugh after 'everything' I didn't know if I would be able to breathe after that smile.
-I dressed up so you would be proud to introduce me to your friends and you ignored me until they were out of the car. I wondered what I'd done wrong.
-I nearly died ever time you were close enough for me to feel your breathe on my face.
-I love your hair when it just curls.
-I will never get rid of the books you gave me even if I never read them-just because they were from you.
-I waited for hours for you to come online even if I knew you wouldn't talk to me.
-You gave me so much hope.
-I can't sleep because I can't get you out of my mind.
-Our times in the sound booth when we prayed together were when I needed prayer the most.
-I felt horrible when you didn't want to tell people how you felt about me.
-I will probably care about you for years to come.
-I thought I may have loved you.
I changed my future from being the cat lady to being with you then switched back when you left.
-I want to pray with you.
-It hurt when you said my hands were gross after I played bloody knuckles-at first you kissed my hands.
-I want you to know all of this.
-If you would just read my blogs you would be reading everything you ever needed to know about me.
-I think she's amazing.
-I can't stand the thought of you breaking her heart-I know how it feels.
-I love how deep your brown eyes are.
-Your imperfections gleam beautifully.
-I think you look amazing in those disgusting jeans you own.
-I fell for you when I first saw you even though I promised myself I wouldn't give you a second glance.
-At ATF you saved me from extreme embarrassment.
-You are my knight in shining armor.
-I'd take you back in a minute.
-I want to see you everyday-it's just wishful thinking.
-I remember how supportive you were when I nailed my insecurities to the cross.
-I didn't want to leave you that day.
-I want to spend every second with you but I won't because I need to seem strong by myself...she needs you.
-I love how you want me to stop working out.
-The cross you made for me will always be on my wall intertwined with my flower.
-I want the table you made for me.
-I wish we'd taken more pictures when we had the chance so I could see you again.
-I knew you stopped liking me (when you flirted with her and walked away from me)
-I will always remember that amazing day we played pool together you were a hilarious gentleman.
-I'm only starting to now realize that I have no idea how you got over me so fast after claiming that you thought you were in love with me.
-I still try to catch your eye and make you smile.
-I want to walk away because it hurts so much that I meant everything to you and you meant nothing to me.
-I hated it when you were sick and wouldn't eat or do anything. It scared me.
-I hated when you were angry at me.
-I can't go through Newmarket without associating it with you.
I'm afraid your dad only really talked to me because he wanted us to get together.
-I want to call you every night, I miss you all the time, and I don't stop thinking about you.
Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. I ask myself what was so good about her but I can only come to one conclusion: She was, what I was not and...I'm sorry. I'm finally starting to be okay.
-I don't wear the necklace you made for me because I don't need more reminders.
-I keep every one of your letters.
-My favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11.
-Whenever I turned away from you, all I wanted was for you to wrap your arms around me.
-I sing close to the mike because you told me to.
-I cried and threw stuff when you told me it wasn't going to work out anymore.
-I started to work out so I would be good enough for you but I lost you anyways.
-I don't eat around you because I never want you to stop worrying or I'll be out of your mind.
-Whenever I think or read about a missions trip, I think about how you will be going and I won't be.
-I think about you whenever I look out my window.
-"Death by chocolate" on a waffle cone reminds me of you.
-I can't use seasoning salt without remembering how we poured it all over my deck.
-I think of deep sea diving, swimming or sitting with you on the boat whenever I'm near the water.
-When music plays in the summer air I can't help but remember that time you tried to make me dance with you on the lawn.
-Your hugs are the best when you pull me towards you in the dark.
-I wished I'd kissed you those tens of times I'd had a chance.
-I keep the birthday card you gave me on my wall.
-I hope to God the emails we shared will never get deleted but I'll never open them.
-I keep on thinking I should give your sweater back to you (it's lost its smell) but it keeps me warm in freezing cold weather and makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a hug.
-I don't know why I can't make you smile anymore and every time you don't when you're around me, I remember how smiling and laughing was all you used to do around me.
-I wonder if I ever meant anything to you.
-I can only ever think about you sneaking around to hold my hand.
-I regret every time that I ran away from you.
-When we walked around behind your house and I told you that I was moving, that was the most peaceful I'd felt.
-I can't eat cake without thinking of how we used to have cake fights.
-Whenever I go to McDonald's I'm reminded that you know exactly what I always wanted when we went there and always bought it for me.
-Meeting you was one of the best things that has ever happened to me even if you hurt me in the end.
-I can't think about the like without thinking of how you threatened me, holding me over the edge while telling me I looked beautiful.
-I keep my hair long because I know how much you like it.
-I really just want you to hug me while I cry.
-You are the friend I always want around no matter what.
-It hurt me more than anything that you thought badly of my family.
-You used to show me how you felt but now hid it from me. I want to be there.
-I wish we had more memories.
-I think of us throwing McFlurries and sundaes at each other and then helping each other wipe it off our fancy clothes. I can't get rid of those pictures.
-You were always so concerned about how cold my hands were but you were the one with the bad circulation.
-I can't listen to Delilah without thinking about you.
-Whenever I talk about or hear about horses I think about our stupid "pleasure" joke.
-I remember all those times you would come to my house sweaty and gross from biking for an hour and not be able to come in because of your parents hilarious rules.
-You knew when you yelled at me it scared me so you would stop, hold my face in your hands and apologize until I looked you in the eyes.
-It hurt that you didn't care about facts I gave you because you were too caught up in the fake truth that it was a one time thing.
-Whenever I think of snowboarding, I think of how we couldn't go.
-I miss your hugs.
-All I want is for you to be really happy (I just need to see you smile again).
-I go through the dumb bumper stickers that you sent me, over and over again laughing, but not really okay.
-I've tried to write songs about what's going on, but I can't.
-I miss you.
-I will always remember those late night phone calls we had at Natalie's house and how you would sit and listen to me.
-I will never tell you what was really on my mind.
-I think you are so smart.
-When you argue with me I actually physically don't feel well because I feel like we're breaking farther apart.
-I talk to you in my head (weird, I know)
-You will always be my best friend.
-You have always known me without me having to tell you.
-When I talk about you I have to try not to tell you what's going on.
-I loved when you used to randomly play with my hair.
-Your compliments meant the world to me.
-I always wanted to walk with you in the rain.
-I always felt so safe in your arms except for now that I have to watch my every move.
-I always felt like your hand fit perfectly into mine (lame wishful thinking)
-You never had to worry about your brother and me, there was never anyone except for you.
-I thought we were going to get married and become missionaries.
-I gave you my heart.
-The random times I could make you laugh after 'everything' I didn't know if I would be able to breathe after that smile.
-I dressed up so you would be proud to introduce me to your friends and you ignored me until they were out of the car. I wondered what I'd done wrong.
-I nearly died ever time you were close enough for me to feel your breathe on my face.
-I love your hair when it just curls.
-I will never get rid of the books you gave me even if I never read them-just because they were from you.
-I waited for hours for you to come online even if I knew you wouldn't talk to me.
-You gave me so much hope.
-I can't sleep because I can't get you out of my mind.
-Our times in the sound booth when we prayed together were when I needed prayer the most.
-I felt horrible when you didn't want to tell people how you felt about me.
-I will probably care about you for years to come.
-I thought I may have loved you.
I changed my future from being the cat lady to being with you then switched back when you left.
-I want to pray with you.
-It hurt when you said my hands were gross after I played bloody knuckles-at first you kissed my hands.
-I want you to know all of this.
-If you would just read my blogs you would be reading everything you ever needed to know about me.
-I think she's amazing.
-I can't stand the thought of you breaking her heart-I know how it feels.
-I love how deep your brown eyes are.
-Your imperfections gleam beautifully.
-I think you look amazing in those disgusting jeans you own.
-I fell for you when I first saw you even though I promised myself I wouldn't give you a second glance.
-At ATF you saved me from extreme embarrassment.
-You are my knight in shining armor.
-I'd take you back in a minute.
-I want to see you everyday-it's just wishful thinking.
-I remember how supportive you were when I nailed my insecurities to the cross.
-I didn't want to leave you that day.
-I want to spend every second with you but I won't because I need to seem strong by myself...she needs you.
-I love how you want me to stop working out.
-The cross you made for me will always be on my wall intertwined with my flower.
-I want the table you made for me.
-I wish we'd taken more pictures when we had the chance so I could see you again.
-I knew you stopped liking me (when you flirted with her and walked away from me)
-I will always remember that amazing day we played pool together you were a hilarious gentleman.
-I'm only starting to now realize that I have no idea how you got over me so fast after claiming that you thought you were in love with me.
-I still try to catch your eye and make you smile.
-I want to walk away because it hurts so much that I meant everything to you and you meant nothing to me.
-I hated it when you were sick and wouldn't eat or do anything. It scared me.
-I hated when you were angry at me.
-I can't go through Newmarket without associating it with you.
I'm afraid your dad only really talked to me because he wanted us to get together.
-I want to call you every night, I miss you all the time, and I don't stop thinking about you.
Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. I ask myself what was so good about her but I can only come to one conclusion: She was, what I was not and...I'm sorry. I'm finally starting to be okay.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
His beloved.
I want to feel as I once did; to be God's beloved without anything to prove. Each day I find myself waking up trying to be someone that will be good enough, someone that deserves love from a God so wonderful that not 1 sin could turn him away from his love for us. But I will always fall short. To be God's beloved I need to neither try hard or feel absentee from his love when I fail. I just need to believe that I am. I want to hear, "My good and servant, with you I am well pleased." when I rise up to the heavens to be with my dad. I want to to feel a love that abounds beyond all...something I lack with my insecurities. I want to feel like his beloved.
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