'Fear God, Not Men'

As I walked into the room I looked around scanning the crowd for someone I felt comfortable with. Voices were hushed and music was playing softly. The air was almost smokey and the texture of the walls velvet looking. Circular tables opened all around the room with groups of people huddled around them drinking hot drinks and exclaiming about their days; the past, present, and future. Crumpling my paper in my hands I glided slowly around the interior of the room, smiling at familiar faces while shrinking inside. Deep thoughts swirled around my head but the most prominent, "Why...oh why did they have to come?"

Finding an empty seat in the far corner of the room I nestled myself into a chair. The sounds and smells around me were a quite reminder of where I was but I soon became lost in a slip of paper that had rested in my right pocket and now lay across the table, the letters jumping out at me. "Bold and brilliant. That's what I always say." I murmured to myself.

The letters spoke such volumes to me but I wondered if the audience would feel the same. Who wants to hear about a small town country girl? My name was called and I walked to the mike stand in the middle of the room. Shaking with fear and excitement I couldn't recall what I was there to do, what I wanted to speak about...and then it all came back to me.

-.-.-.-

Christmas Day. The day I let it all slip away. As I was walking home from the walmart down the block I began to think...Thinking, not being a strong suit, always got me confused; wondering weather things were really how they seemed or weather everything was disguised to be something perfect and unattainable.

Fear...the biggest problem in my life. 'Fear God, Not Men' was a saying I'd heard my entire life. A shiver rolled down the middle of my back and I shrugged in pure frustration, stamping the snow off my feet and taking off my coat as I'd suddenly made it to my front door in no time at all. I decided to sit in the living room with a nice cup of tea and 'reminisce' about my life...who I was and who I'd become.

The importance of this time was not necessarily normal objects of identification like hair color of skin shade, it was not my family situation, what school I went to or what apartment complex I lived in. It was the simple fact of fear.

I'd come to the conclusion after much thought, prayer, and confusion, that my life was nothing but fear. Ever since the 'incident' I was no longer able to trust men in my life without a constant fear of being hated or rejected if I did something wrong. Relationships with my sister and mother were just the same. If I failed to come over for dinner once in a while or bring presents, spoiling my family, then they wouldn't love me. Shrinking into the median I'd found my self so used to I'd become a shell of a person, terrified of making a difference and yet terrified of being forgotten.

My life revolved around the simple fact that I was completely frazzled when it came to relationships. I was afraid that if I did something wrong in a relationship or refused to do something, no matter how wrong or right it may have been, I would soon be forgotten. That was just not something I could live with so I conformed to the image of who I was thought to be,and became something that I have just started to realize.

-.-.-.-.

Blue Skies...are beautiful.
Rainbows are colorful...
Houses are built with care,
And when pretty faces walk by people stop and stare.
Smiles are fake,
Pretend reflections of masks people make.
Breathing deep sighs,
Is needed to revitalize.
Fear has plagued me,
Can't you see?
I'm running from you,
and I'm running from me.

I'm used to this trembling,
Forgetting, not remembering.
I'm worn out and tired,
Just waiting to be fired.
Life in a day,
Is just a rejection away.
I'm waiting for the tears,
that will resume after all of these years.
Yet nothing is coming,
I don't feel any summoning.
I'm refusing to cry today,
In order to be strong some-way.
Relationships fall apart,
And all that is torn are hearts.
I've forgotten the fear that has kept me here,
I can't feel a touch or sadness near.
Its scary to think that I once even cared,
About you or how you always seemed to stare.

I can't feel the love that you give me,
I can't see the way that you see,
That I'm beautiful, lovely, or even unique.
All I see is that I am a freak.
I don't deserve love and yet I don't deserve pain,
I don't deserve to see, breathe, or speak your name.
I'm glad I'm alone not outside but in 'here',
It means I don't ever have to shed a tear.
I'm so good at running far away from this land,
Except that I'm slipping in this ocean sand.
I'm so good at faking with the mask that I wear,
I just can't get over the way that you care.
I don't want to be afraid of you now,
I don't want to ever be close to you, but how,
How do you expect me to see,
That you're truly true as can be?
I'll run and I'll hide until I fall in a pit,
I don't think I'll ever be able to quit.
It scares me to think that I run from your love,
I'll always be alone, I guess I want it...kind of.

-.-.-

Truth is...In days like these its easier to be someone and live alone without fear of getting hurt in the end. I read about a girl named 'Elizabeth' who lived her life in fear. She did things for people because she was afraid they'd leave. She would let people do things to her because she was afraid that she would live a life alone in the end. The only thing that could release her from her fear was the name of Jesus... the only person who cared enough about her to never take advantage of her.