This is me not really being okay.

Not really being upset.

Not being content.



Everything is such a mess.



Clouded in the vision of all of this indecision is a brief feeling of okayness.

I feel like somehow in the midst of all this crap there is also a reason to be thankful.



I thought that families being united would bring me a sense of conclusiveness. But it hasn't.

It's brought the same doubt as before. The same worry and the same lack of involvement.

I don't know what I want.

I thought I wanted us to all be together. I thought I wanted to know, and now I find out that I don't.

The beginning of the rest of your life is now.

I'm not scared you'll walk away anymore. Sometimes I wish you would.

I can't be that person for you anymore.

For everyone I've left behind.

I can't be there.

The Lord gave and took away.

I feel like he took me away from everyone in Ontario because he knew that I needed to go.

Because there were some who relied on me to be the love from Jesus.

Because there were those who relied on me to tell them right from wrong.

I'm sorry...

I want to be able to tell you, to help you, to encourage you.

But I don't think I'm allowed to anymore.

I've been enabling everyone to live in sin, because i've enabled them to pretend that they don't know.

Well, you know...

I can't tell you everytime you seek insight, to turn to Jesus.

You need to go there on your own.

He will never leave you of forsake you.

He will never bring you into the pit of dispair without offering a miraculous way out.

He will never bring you to your knees without offering you a hand up.

He loves you...

Turn to him.

Please...turn to him.

You know who you are...

And, to think that I'm sitting here, almost crying.
I know that I haven't been there for you, and it's because it's too hard.
I try to call. I try to get a hold of you but it seems like everything I do is completely for nothing.
You're never home, when you are you aren't there.
And even this now is a sort of excuse for calling you up.
It's too late and I don't know what you're up.
It's too late and I just don't have the mind to call,
I don't have the excuses to explain why I haven't.

And yet I do.
The time change is too different and have you even tried to call?
Have you left your comfortable zone of not speaking with me to give me a call.
You know, I've talked to everyone else more than I have you.
I've talked to people that haven't spoken with me for real, in years.
And then there's those others who were closest to me who don't even give me the time of day.
Where the heck are you guys?
Where are you?...

You'll go on living the way that you do, as will I.
I know that you don't need me and I don't need you,
Although I wish you were back in my life.
I know that I can't ever do anything right enough for you.
Every single call is too short, each message I leave not good enough for your time.
And no, I'm not angry.
I feel like you don't care anymore.
I feel like it doesn't matter to you so much that you have no one, that it's me who is gone.

I know I'm being selfish, you're probably thinking, "What a spoiled brat!"
And you know, I am spoiled.
But I'm also hurting.
I'm also lonely.
I'm also confused.
I don't know when to call, when you'll have time for me.
I don't know what you're doing, if you even want to talk.
I don't know if you'll be watching t.v., too concentrated on that to talk with me.
So I won't call.

I won't call.

This is my cry out to you.
I know that you're hurting. I know that it's hard.
But I also know that you don't know how I feel.
I also know that we're both too busy with our own hurt to see each others.
I know that you don't think it's difficult for me out here anymore.

But here's a rundown, since we never have time to talk anywhere else.

I don't know what I'm doing with the rest of my life.
I'm struggling because my family needs me, my sisters need me, and yet I don't know if God needs me elsewhere...I can't hear him.
I work. Maybe not as much as you but I work all weekend, I have 7 classes that I have to uphold...classes that give me so much work that I'm up to my ears every night...
I drink tea to stay awake and read my bible in the morning so I don't cry myself to sleep.
I breathe deeply and live ONLY for today because tomorrow would be too hard to think about.
I'm embarrassed. Every day I am met with humility. I can never be good enough down here.
I'm more alone that you realize. My only friends are gone, in Ontario, Alberta, around the world...All gone. I don't dream about hope anymore, I just try to grasp it as reality. I am exhausted and I don't really know where to go anymore...

But so overwhelmed with feelings of compassion, feelings of hope, feelings of unrest. I'm in such a lack of serinity that I don't know what I'm looking for anymore.

I'm okay.
If this is too much for you don't call. If you have too much on your plate you know I will call soon. When I call it'll be to hear a friendly voice. That's all I need. But I can't read your mind. I'm not perfect. I won't call when you need me, sometimes not even when you want me. Sometimes I won't call at all.
But I love you.
I will always love you.

Sometimes you can be in a house full of people and feel the same dissatisfaction than as if you were alone.

You're sayin he'd listen if I'd like to speak. Who is this Jesus you speak of?
He'll take you out of this puddle you're drowning in. Listen , the good news is coming. Soon the end will come and restoration and peace will be in front of your eyes.

But what are we then to do when the darkness is closing in and our feelings are breaking thin.


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Breathe deeply, take in today. Pray for the peace and the pace that is needed to step through each day. Smile and nod. Love others. Treat the way you would want to be treated. But most of all love.
Love. Most of all.

Sick

What if we learnt something from everything that happened to us?
What if we learnt how to love, how to be faithful, how to be just, how to be patient from something/everything that happened in our lives. What if we learnt compassion from a walk in the park?

This weekend I prayed that I would learn how to serve while I was sick. I hope I did.