Contented

I am contented with the way that the wind whistles through the trees,
Contended to be busy, protecting...
I'm contented to hear your voice on the end of the phone,
Even if I sometimes wish that you were home.
I'm contented to breathe the air of a hug,
Contented to know that your happy where you are.
I'm contented to know that you'll always be around
Really contented to know that this is God's plan.
I don't need love letters, flowers, or dates.
I really don't need chocolate,
BELIEVE ME.
I'm good with not hearing words of adoration
and sometimes only hearing you speak every couple of weeks.
I'm contented to know that God has a plan,
Amidst all of my worries and all of the scams of this world.

I'm just contented to know,
And contented to not...because sometimes the things that you don't know, are the things you forgot.

...I'm giving up because all I know is that I'm breathing.

I miss home...I miss everyone and I don't know what I have down here. I miss the comfort of my bed, I feel as though I come to a strangers house after school, after work.

He can't come to prom. And I do care. And...I don't want to go now. And this is something that shouldn't matter to me in the first place.

I can't go to Nicaragua and...maybe that's God's will. And maybe it's not because I don't want to just fundraise anymore, I want to love and be loved and give love.

...But if we met on the street I wouldn't even see you, because I'm blind from this...

I can't find myself, I can't find any strength. I just want to give up and sleep for the rest of this time...For the rest of my time. And I know that it isn't my time yet, that there's still things for me to do here.

I'm so sick of this frustration. So sick of being tired and giving up. I'm so tired of not having faith, of not having hope. I just don't want to care anymore.

The Knight

There's something about love...

and the way that it swiftly binds people together.

Something about peace and the joy in brings among people.

Something about the complete serenity of hope...

There's something about today,

About the controlled atmosphere that is awaiting tomorrow.

...

People are waiting, across the world, for love.

They look for it under rocks, in pets and food.

They look for fufillement in romantic entanglements, in money, in family...

They look for love on street corners, in coffee shops, online...

But I've come to the sad conclusion that no one really looks for love in their hearts.

Being bold and strong and courageous.

Being filled with life and completeness,

Being unhurt, unheld, and unabolished....

is only a figment of imaginations.

What is real,

What is plausible

is HURT.

What happens is pain,

But what also happens is love.

Love has the ability, the endless proportion to spill from the insides, the cracks and spaces of endless time. Love has the ability to curb a hungry stomache, to calm a whirling mind. Love is what we see and what we do not.

But most of all, Love is God.

....

....

People are so content on looking for love in storybooks, in fairytales with knights in shining armour...But who are these guys?

Who are they...

Well, they're people. They are people who have the ability to make mistakes; who fall off of their horses every once in a while...

I guess the problem is that while we are looking for these knights we miss the KNIGHT. The King. The Savour in shining armour...Our prince.
With our minds so full of love that is "real"....we miss the real thing.

With our minds so full of the love we think we want...we miss it. I think a lot of the time, we miss him.

Where has the time gone?

It's been dead.

This world is a constant swirl of business and I realized that if I don't change it, it'll never get better.
I work, work, work all the time and somehow I think I used to believe that the world would slowly begin to give me a pace that fit better in my mind, that fit better into my life.
"Get out of bed, your stronger than before." The world isn't changing for the better but somehow I figure that if I stay in bed long enough, it'll be back to the way it should be.

I have two jobs. I tutor 5 days a week and then work 3 days a week at please mum. I have school every day, on Wednesdays, Mondays, and Fridays it goes until 5. I don't have time to fuss and fight. I don't even have time to go for a walk and listen to the wind and water flow around me.

I miss the simplicites of life. I miss my ability as a child to sit and play in dirt and right now I'm just wondering if I'll ever have time to sit down and play in the dirt again.