Alone

As I pick the peddles, he loves me not. The wind whispers and the trees chuckle. I run home with tears streaming down my face and reality hits me.

-Amelia Busse

Make haste, for you have no one to run from except for yourself.
It's only a minute to the sunrise, a minute until you are seen.
I can't change the way I feel, can't change anything other than who I am.
There's no way for me to possibly revitilize, shed this discuise.
I'm running with no look back of return,
Wishing with no reason to confirm.
I'm bleeding with no bandaid,
Drounding with no chance to breathe, no breath to concieve.
Darkness without light is might without sight

Beautiful girl, there's no light in your eyes,
Why is it all I can hear is your cries?
How will you remember me when I'm gone?
I miss you already. So this is my song.

Failure

There is no failure for the man who realizes his power, who never knows when he is beaten; there is no failure for the determined endeavor; the unconquerable will. There is no failure for the man who gets up every time he falls, who rebounds like a rubber ball, who persists when everyone else gives up, who pushes on when everyone else turns back.

-Orison Sweet Marden Quotes

Failure. The meaning of the word is, "someone or something that is unsuccessful".

The dictionary goes on the describe someone who is utterly unaccomplished, rejected, and not ever able to get back up on their feet. I truly believe that there is no such thing as failure. To be a failure you must have fallen down with no hope and no want of over getting back up. To fail is to die. Anything other than that it merely a trip on the yellow brick road to Jesus.

I'm sick of people calling themselves failures. I'm sick of feeling like a failure.
The world is full of people who will never feel sufficiant enough to make it or feel as though they can't get up in the morning. I am frequently that type of person. But I get by on one thing: and that is my father, God, and friend, Jesus Christ.

When Jesus got up the morning that he knew he was going to be betray, or when he awoke to the fear of knowing that he would have to die a horrible death, on a wooden cross ,after terrible beatings and pain, he may have felt like a failure. He probably didn't question himself asking, "Why is this happening God? Father, what did I do wrong to deserve this treatement, this punishment." Realizing that he had to die for us because of our sins, because of our imperfections and failures...he just took our disobedient spirits and bodies and had them nailed to a cross with his hands and feet. He only ever questioned once, asking if it had to be done that way.

Everyday when bad things happen we question our creator and his plans. We begin to question what we could have failed to 'deserve' such brutal punishment as this. I'm sorry to break it to you; but this life, this love that we were shown is not brutal punishment. We don't have to die on a cross for people we have never known and have no reason to care for. Most of us don't have to suffer daily for our faith because of the amazing blessings that have been bistowed among us. It's incredible to think that we doubt our friend, family, our creator, and ourselves for mistakes that our God had to pay for on a cross, when instead we should be asking for forgiveness and the strength to make it past those obstacles.

You are not a failure and you have no reason to belive you are. God has an amazing purpose for you and that is to worship him with your entire life. Is it so hard to give praise to the one man who gave you the opportunity to live with him for the rest of your life?...

We were created without fault or failure but we do sin, we do mess up, and we do fail. It is part of our human nature, although it doesn't have to be. The choice is ours: to either get up and refuse to allow 'failure' to take away who we are or to allow it to pull us into thinking we were never worth it in the first place.

A quote from Marianne Williamson is the last thing that I'll put on this blog because it is so amazing and so inspiring. It is who God made you and me to be.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Never Enough.

Weaker than I appear and stronger than I know,
I can't begin to explain who I am, these tears have got to go.
To fear love is to fear life,
Gotta keep your head high through all the strife.
Love is not a bandage to cover wounds that cut deep,
Its something you must never fear, something you must keep.
I'm broken hearted, just let down.
I'll fake a smile to get rid of the frown.
They can't see that they're hurting me,
Otherwise they'll never let me free.
I'm never enough for your anger and yells,
I'm not ready to talk, fight or tell...
I don't want to see your pity for my pain,
I just want to be forgotten alone in the rain.
Pleasing you seems to be a thing that I do,
But I need to realize I'll never be good enough for you.
When I try to be perfect you believe that I am,
Even when you say you don't, its all just a big scam.
Forget me and forget who you are with me,
Pretty soon I do think you'll be able to see,
I'm not nearly as perfect as you make me to be,

Facebook Status

So...if I could make my facebook status anything in the world...what would it be?

Tessa is realizing she can only count on herself to blame.
Tessa is pondering the way that she's put to shame.
Tessa is wondering why God seems to be gone in a world full of sad songs.
Tessa is afraid of tomorrow morning when she wakes up without hope.
Tessa is excited to see a sunrise and understand who God really is.
Tessa is exhausted and isn't a professional, she can't deal with this stuff anymore.
Tessa is worn out and tired of charades.
Tessa is looking at tossed bibles and wondering why God loves.
Tessa knows she will never be good enough.
Tessa believes that God has a plan for her.
Tessa will not be cast away by pointless words.
Tessa will learn to trust God in circumstances.
Tessa will encourage people to tell others about what is going on.
Tessa is trying to be the best friend that she can be.
Tessa is not alone or foresaken.
Tessa may just have a hope for tomorrow even though it seems as though the sun won't ever come out again.
Tessa is afraid of moving.
Tessa doesn't know if she can ever love.
Tessa is learning to trust God and to get help.
Tessa is loving her family and friends to the best of her ability.
Tessa is feeling like a failure.
Tessa is alone and tired...hopeless and dead.
Tessa is feeling insignificant and worthless.
Tessa knows God has ordained in her a great purpose.
Tessa is just waiting to find it.

'Fear God, Not Men'

As I walked into the room I looked around scanning the crowd for someone I felt comfortable with. Voices were hushed and music was playing softly. The air was almost smokey and the texture of the walls velvet looking. Circular tables opened all around the room with groups of people huddled around them drinking hot drinks and exclaiming about their days; the past, present, and future. Crumpling my paper in my hands I glided slowly around the interior of the room, smiling at familiar faces while shrinking inside. Deep thoughts swirled around my head but the most prominent, "Why...oh why did they have to come?"

Finding an empty seat in the far corner of the room I nestled myself into a chair. The sounds and smells around me were a quite reminder of where I was but I soon became lost in a slip of paper that had rested in my right pocket and now lay across the table, the letters jumping out at me. "Bold and brilliant. That's what I always say." I murmured to myself.

The letters spoke such volumes to me but I wondered if the audience would feel the same. Who wants to hear about a small town country girl? My name was called and I walked to the mike stand in the middle of the room. Shaking with fear and excitement I couldn't recall what I was there to do, what I wanted to speak about...and then it all came back to me.

-.-.-.-

Christmas Day. The day I let it all slip away. As I was walking home from the walmart down the block I began to think...Thinking, not being a strong suit, always got me confused; wondering weather things were really how they seemed or weather everything was disguised to be something perfect and unattainable.

Fear...the biggest problem in my life. 'Fear God, Not Men' was a saying I'd heard my entire life. A shiver rolled down the middle of my back and I shrugged in pure frustration, stamping the snow off my feet and taking off my coat as I'd suddenly made it to my front door in no time at all. I decided to sit in the living room with a nice cup of tea and 'reminisce' about my life...who I was and who I'd become.

The importance of this time was not necessarily normal objects of identification like hair color of skin shade, it was not my family situation, what school I went to or what apartment complex I lived in. It was the simple fact of fear.

I'd come to the conclusion after much thought, prayer, and confusion, that my life was nothing but fear. Ever since the 'incident' I was no longer able to trust men in my life without a constant fear of being hated or rejected if I did something wrong. Relationships with my sister and mother were just the same. If I failed to come over for dinner once in a while or bring presents, spoiling my family, then they wouldn't love me. Shrinking into the median I'd found my self so used to I'd become a shell of a person, terrified of making a difference and yet terrified of being forgotten.

My life revolved around the simple fact that I was completely frazzled when it came to relationships. I was afraid that if I did something wrong in a relationship or refused to do something, no matter how wrong or right it may have been, I would soon be forgotten. That was just not something I could live with so I conformed to the image of who I was thought to be,and became something that I have just started to realize.

-.-.-.-.

Blue Skies...are beautiful.
Rainbows are colorful...
Houses are built with care,
And when pretty faces walk by people stop and stare.
Smiles are fake,
Pretend reflections of masks people make.
Breathing deep sighs,
Is needed to revitalize.
Fear has plagued me,
Can't you see?
I'm running from you,
and I'm running from me.

I'm used to this trembling,
Forgetting, not remembering.
I'm worn out and tired,
Just waiting to be fired.
Life in a day,
Is just a rejection away.
I'm waiting for the tears,
that will resume after all of these years.
Yet nothing is coming,
I don't feel any summoning.
I'm refusing to cry today,
In order to be strong some-way.
Relationships fall apart,
And all that is torn are hearts.
I've forgotten the fear that has kept me here,
I can't feel a touch or sadness near.
Its scary to think that I once even cared,
About you or how you always seemed to stare.

I can't feel the love that you give me,
I can't see the way that you see,
That I'm beautiful, lovely, or even unique.
All I see is that I am a freak.
I don't deserve love and yet I don't deserve pain,
I don't deserve to see, breathe, or speak your name.
I'm glad I'm alone not outside but in 'here',
It means I don't ever have to shed a tear.
I'm so good at running far away from this land,
Except that I'm slipping in this ocean sand.
I'm so good at faking with the mask that I wear,
I just can't get over the way that you care.
I don't want to be afraid of you now,
I don't want to ever be close to you, but how,
How do you expect me to see,
That you're truly true as can be?
I'll run and I'll hide until I fall in a pit,
I don't think I'll ever be able to quit.
It scares me to think that I run from your love,
I'll always be alone, I guess I want it...kind of.

-.-.-

Truth is...In days like these its easier to be someone and live alone without fear of getting hurt in the end. I read about a girl named 'Elizabeth' who lived her life in fear. She did things for people because she was afraid they'd leave. She would let people do things to her because she was afraid that she would live a life alone in the end. The only thing that could release her from her fear was the name of Jesus... the only person who cared enough about her to never take advantage of her.

Random, raw words.

Chocolate brown eyes.
Beautiful blue skies.
Babies bouncing happily.
Poets rhyming sappily,
Joy abouds,
The music sounds,
And there she walks.
No one dare mocks.

Eyes will blink and feet will move.
Fake smiles show, hearts try to prove,
Their love unattended lost and then found,
Hands will be clasped and pulses will pound.

Keep your secrets inside,
Ears and mouths-they rarely hide.
Everything you let outside,
Don't say anything lest you fall on your pride.

Rosy cheeks,
The dancing meek.
It's strange to see so many smiles,
When everyone has walked for miles.
Water swishes and it shines,
The sun it brightly lights and blinds.

Some are bored, alone and scared.
Others happy, cause they cared.
Ugly curtians sway here and there,
Tears fall down cheeks everywhere.
If only we could always be,
The person people want to see.
Intead they pray with souls abound,
Hearts will cry without a sound.

Random words are cries redeemed,
Listen so you can hear the screams.
Help when needed and always be,
A layer looker that always sees.

Friend.

-Ame darling, this ones for you just cause you asked.

Laughter,
Serious talks,
The midnight walks.
You listen,
think and then you speak,
Always strong you're never weak.
I can't begin to thank you so,
For being the best friend I know.

You're always there,
And sometimes fair,
You yell and scream,
But always care.
God's given me the greatest gift,
A friend who always gives a lift.

They say that friends are just like bra's
They hold you up when problems cause,
They cut boys heads off with big saws.
I know we'd stick right through it all,
Even when we want to fall.
You lovingly will always be,
The counsil that I seem to seek.

We have a similar love you see,
A God that never leaves you or me.
He's bound us here in great big knots,
He's made us eat together tots,
I'll tell you what makes you beautiful to me,
Your a loving friend who always sees.

Your beautiful and stunning too,
But always feeling shameful, true?
We stiffle laughter in the nights,
And always make up after fights.
When I am lonely you are there,
For some odd reason you always care.

I always fear you'll run away,
Throwing yourself into something you'll say,
Exactly what friends always did,
Your just too young you silly kid.
But I can see that's just a lie,
You always hold me when I cry.

I'd like to say I'm proud of you,
For all the amazing things you do.
You stand so strong in all the pain,
You even stand outside in the rain.
You call when its late,
Just because I can't date,
You're confident in me and say,
Can I just call you up today?
I need you now, I always will.
Because those scary holes you fill,
When you just tell me that I'm right.
I shouldn't even try to fight.

I hope you'll stay around some more,
Let me see who you are deep inside of your core.
We best friends and I know you see,
The real person inside of me.

-LOVE YOU!

Safe

Here in your arms,
Sounding like a lame love song.
I'm so sick and tired of these lies,
All of the things that I try to disguise.
You catch me in the act,
You remind me of our Godly pact,
And I just seem to fall into your arms,
Safe from all the wordly harms.

Safe-but with no escape,
Guarded by your arms you take,
my hands in yours and say,
"I love you forever, today."

I feel as though it's meant to be,
Your hand just resting on my knee.
Sappyness I once scoffed at,
Has come to stab me in the back.
Rediculous it all has seemed,
But somehow love you have redeemed.

Head on your chest,
I seem to rest,
more sweetly than before.
My heart does shamely soar.
You tell me its alright to cry,
You always listen to my sigh.
You hold me safetly through these years,
Drying all my fears and tears.

Take me in your arms today,
Tell me it'll all be okay.
I won't be gone for to to long,
I never had to be this strong.
Safe-tied together with a smile,
In my eyes you walk the miles...

For me,
can't you see?
I don't want you to bleed.
I can't imagine what planted the seed,
To make you feel the special need,
To love me.

Safe-in God's arms.
I know we all get in the way of harm.
Merely human-that you are.
But this way even when I'm far,
I'll still be waiting there for you,
Knowing, this, our time was never though.

God you know my heart and soul,
You know I plead for him to know.
But even so my heart decides,
that waiting is the right disguise.
Safe, alive, here in your arms.
Facing all the wordly harms.
Safe, Here I am...
Waiting for your greater plan.

New Years Resolutions

Well,
Each year I never do these because I think that they are something you say but never ever accomplish.
I think maybe this year I'll make some though.

1. To get ride of hairline stress zits by making the stress go away.
2. To show my friends-who I do and don't talk to-that I love them.
3. To be strong for my family while my dad is away for 6 months.
4. To cry once with a friend.
5. To start packing my belongings for the move.
6. To forget that I'm hurt and love no matter what.
7. To ignore my insecurities and dress the way I want to.
8. To pray everyday all day for the people I love.
9. To pray for myself atleast once a week.
10. To clean my bellybutton everyday.
11. To write really epic poems.
12. To write some songs about the things in my life that really matter.
13. To write a worship song.
14. To find a piano teacher in BC who will teach me how to play like I used to.
15. To finish my projects early.
16. To study for exams with a passion so I can get amazing marks.
17. To follow God's will.
18. To read the bible everyday-once in the morning and once at night if possible.
WOW-there are a lot of these...if you've read this far kudos to you.
19. To not be afraid to stand up to my family respecfully and nicely when I need to.
20. To clean my room vigeriously so that I can feel like my life is in order.
21. To have a schedule to my life-including work.
22. To do a lot of creative things.
23. To have sleepovers.
24. To sleep-every once in a while.
25. To take A LOT of pictures.
26. To trust God completely.
27. To trust my friends.
28. To not bore people with my new years resolutions.
29. To not be afraid to tell people about God.
30. To get up the nerve to die my hair bleach blonde.
31. To buy my besties presents.
32. To make a Africa collage.
33. To catch up on my mail.
35. To not care about my weight.
36. To maybe loose some weight haha.
37. To make and save money.
38. To make money jars for different things.
39. To not: work too much, be too sad, regret, or be worried.
40. To love, laugh, hug too many people, smile too much, and make it real.
41. To live my life for Jesus.
42. TO START TODAY.

If you've read this far thanks for being interested lovely friends. Lets make some amazing memories and love Jesus with our lives. And please, lets take lots of pictures.

January-An actual new year

So...
It is a new year. Completely and totaly new and a-fresh.
Its probably around 1am on a Sunday morning (Jan.5)and I am truly exhausted. My eyes feel like they have soars all around them and my navel (which is newly pierced) is completely swollen and bloody.(Gross, I know) I'm not really sure what the problem is. I guess I'm anxious about the move and school and other stuff...
It's getting a little rediculous.
I went to bed and then after trying for a couple of minutes to sleep I realized I hadn't done my stretches (which normally induce sleep faster. I got up to do my stretches and after stretching for a couple of minutes I went back to bed and lay down. After a couple of restless tossing and turning and praying fragements of time I got up and marched myself down here to the computer. Its completely useless attempting to sleep when exhaustion has taken over the part of the brain that enduces sleep...
Still... I'm so so tired. Being up could be profitable I suppose...although I'm not sure to what degree. I have mounds of homework but I'm too lazy/not able to comprehend to start to work on it...exams are coming up...and packing is because a big thing in my house with the move and such nonsense.

Oh dear.
I really need to trust God. I need to realize that he's in control...Life isn't about knowing your path...or knowing exactly what God has ordained for you...Sure some people do know that but I guess life is more about knowing what God doesn't have in store for you and knowing what he doesn't want you to do. I'm working my way from there...I'm not sure what else to do.