Life isn't fair.

i don't like this right now.
sorry.

Going with the flow.

you know what is AMAZING...
the way that God works even when we dont' feel like he's working at all.
I went to semi...and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go at all. I was so sick of the world and wordly things and I didn't want to go just because it was the "thing" to do...you know?
So...i prayed and i prayed and I was like, "God...if I'm suppose to go, please use me some way there."
I went there and there was this young man who will remain unnamed and he was having some problems. He ended up telling me that he was unhappy and had always been and I was able to tell him about God..to tell him about the joy that comes with having a relationship with a father who loves you more than life itself...
He didn't accept it...but the thing is, i hope he thinks about it. I've been praying that he thinks about it...And...i'm happy. I feel like God told me that it was okay to do wordly things as long as im' doing them because I'm waiting for God to use me...

We were beautifull and wonderfully created in his image to not be like the world...to not be wordly...but to shine in the darkeness.
Are you shining? or are you going with the flow. So many times I find myself just going with the flow.

Do you ever get that feeling when you walk down the street and look into people's eyes that there are so many hollow people out there. These eyes are the shadows of what used to be full and whole and beautiful.

you

guarding myself from you,
is the best thing i could ever do.
you've broken my heart in two,
i don't think it could ever again be new

right now

Sometimes life seems so trivial and other times it seems as if the whole world is against you and the only think you have to lose is yourself.

I love passion. I love when people pour their whole heart into what they’re doing. There’s just something about that type of enthusiasm. (words of my father) But is passion and emotion the same thing?

What is faith? What is the gospel to you? When people ask you if you are a Christian what can you say; I am, or what do you think? What makes something passionate and what makes something emotional?

Today after speaking to a friend of mine about a word in the bible I realized something, I want to be able to say, “What do you think?” when asked if I am a Christian. Some people seem to have it all together and seem to have their eyes set on Christ while others struggle with every morning, every breathe, and every step. I can appear to have it all together and in turn have emotion to churn the waters of the ocean or I can appear to be broken, rebuilt, and learning while having a sense of peace and a yearning of great passion. Months ago I struggled with “looking” like I had it all together while in reality; I was appearing to be something very different than who I was. I wanted passion when all I had was emotion. To see the people I loved laced with passion from their souls out to the tips of their very toes, to see their eyes shine bright with love, hope, but most of all pain and to see the honesty in their expressions; puzzled as I was I couldn’t bring myself to let go of the person that I’d become. As much as I wanted passion, it was so much easier to run away from the feelings I felt.

To say it was an easy journey to go from where I was to where I am now would be an understatement, and a misjudgment but most of all, a lie. I have gone from hiding all of my feelings for everything in my heart and mind to expressing openly the struggles I’ve been through and the pain I’ve endured. As it is right now, I have gone back to somewhere in between where I started and where I was before. I went from having emotion, to passion, and now a little of both. But I want passion; I want to be able to cry because of sincere feelings and not be embarrassed or ridiculed because of open expression. I am so afraid to say how I feel that I keep it all inside, only to let it out on a blank page that will amount to nothing. I have so much love but love isn’t enough until you give it away.

I am too afraid to express how I feel out loud although I probably will in time. But right now I need to let out some things that are frightening me at this present time and the only way to replace emotion with passion is to let them out.
There is a couple, so bear with me.

1. As it were, there is a missions trip that I have signed up to go on and I realize that I should be opening my heart up to doing the works of Christ and being there for his kingdom, but I am terrified, scared so much that my stomach hurts when I think about it, about going to a foreign country to talk about my faith. I always thought it would be easier, I always told others that I was easier to talk about the most important thing in your life to complete strangers, but I was wrong. I cannot fathom what it is going to be like going alone, to a country I’ve never been, with people I have never met, to speak about the most important thing in my life in a language that no one can understand. Why am I so afraid? If I feel as though God has called me to do this then why do I feel so much doubt when I try to decide if it really is the best thing for me to be doing?

2. I am afraid of love, I am afraid of marriage, I am afraid of relationships. It’s difficult for me to talk about this because of my past and because when I have lost so little I have such a problem loving while others have lost so much and love so freely. In the present time I’m looking to God for guidance in the area of relationships and although I can love others with my whole heart with God’s love, I cannot love others with a love that comes from my heart and God’s. I am terrified to give others a piece of my heart that could so casually be broken with the tip of a weak finger.

3. I don’t feel as though I’m making a difference in the lives of others around me. Not necessarily my fellow believers but those who need Christ, those who have lost all hope and are just looking for someone to love them. I feel like I’ve failed them, like I’ve ignored them because I look to my own selfish needs. I have no way of knowing if I am failing or if I am just being attacked by my doubts.

4. Lastly, for now, I feel as though I have failed my family and my heavenly father. I have also looked to be so sure of what I will be doing in the future or even in the next couple minutes but lately I have lost it. I don’t know what I will be in 5 years, I don’t know where I will be and I don’t know what my aspirations will be. All I know is that I will be 5 years older. I feel like because I don’t have the urge to read the bible anymore or pray, that I’ve failed Christ and that because sometimes I forget to pray before meals or thank God for the wonderful day, when I wake up in the morning, I feel as though I’ve failed my father, the only person who will ever love me forever unconditionally. I can’t even love him back as much as I should. I feel like because I cannot figure out what God is telling me to do with the rest of my life, because I don’t know what is going on right now, that I have failed my family as well. I feel like I can’t help them anymore if I can’t help myself. It may be irrational, but it’s how I feel right now.

Sometimes life seems so trivial and other times it seems as if the whole world is against you and the only think you have to lose is yourself. I’ve realized that I am not mine to lose in the first place, but then the question remains, who am I?

I'm Starting to get it together

I'm starting to get it together,
my life,
all of this strife.
I'm starting to get it together,
my fears,
the calling i hear in my ears.
I'm learning to get up quickly when i fall,
And that i need to always stand tall,
through trials,
all of the long miles.
School/Boys fools we are,
All i need is to be a star.
A star in the dark sky,
Because I do really try.
I'm starting to get it together,
I'm getting my thoughts to start,
To pull together not apart.
My decision is being made,
Even though I'm afraid.
Lord, I need you to live,
I need you to show me where to give my love,
That breaks me,
And takes me,
my heart.
I'm starting to get it together.

Sick

Curling, pain stirring my innermost groans and pleas for insanity.
As I sat curled up on my bed trying to be as still as possible while the pain shot through my body I wondered what in the world could cause such a annoying mess of sick in me. I swollowed back feeling sick and attempted to swollow the pain in my stomache...I was cowering under the covers hopeing that it would go away and that I could get up and begin the rest of my day. But how could I get up? I refused to move because the pain that shot through my stomache at that moment of time as I was standing up was not worth feeling better in the end (not that i knew i would but the chance was one that I had to take)
I guess its the same with life
We are squirming in our seats just waiting for the pain to pass...and then lyeing perfectly still when it doesn't once again waiting for it to past. We won't move or take a step out of our comfort zone because we're terrified of the pain that will come while we move, even if it means relief in the end for us.
I realized when I began to move again that this movement was percisely what we needed to do in life...In order to move on, to excell...to live for Christ we just need to step past the pain..past our discomfort and immediate needs and get up...out of the uncomfortable but comfortable place we are sitting and break this sickness in us.
We need to worship even though we won't ever amount to a person good enough to worship our creator. How weird is it that he loves us when we are mere humans, imperfect and terribly screwed up half the time.

Sorry, this was just my strange though.

We are Broken

The brokenness of my heart.
Broken before you.
I hoped that we would never part.
That you would never think too,
too much about what you were about to loose.
But all you had to do was pick up the clues.
I brought you up,
Even when you were all dirty from the muck.
I tried to keep you from crying your eyes out,
And held you when your face went into a pout.
And I can't help but take this apon me,
This is the only cause that I can see.
You've left,
My heart barred out of my chest,
And I'm expected to not be messed.
I will always love you,
I will never fall away.
I will be here too.
But I can't possibly be here to stay,
If you are not.
I know you don't want to be caught,
In all of this wordly pain.
But sometimes its part of what keeps us sain,
What helps us not to complain...
It makes us become less vain.
Don't run from this,
You are better than these tears.
Don't just let him kiss,
All of the progress you've made through the years.
I feel like you think I don't care,
Can't you see that all I do is stare,
Stare after you in silence,
Hoping that you'll come back without violence.
I love you,
I don't want to see you go...
But he loves you too,
I know that he will not throw,
away his love for your spirit,
And you don't have to fear it...
Any longer.
He will wait for until your ready,
He will help you to become stronger,
And hold you till your steady.
But dont' run away,
Please oh please just stay.
Not for me...
But for who you were made to be.
You were helped when you were young,
And now to repay the debt once sung,
You must bless others with your beautiful voice,
And make that everylasting choice...
Because he loves you,
And he is broken everytime you leave.
Its not just him, me too...
Could you possibly percieve.

We are broken.

You are.

My stomache is churning.
Emotions swirl in my brain and overcome my entire being.
Lord, take these feelings I feel.
It isn't right to let them be who I am,
to let them take over my person...
I am who you are forming, shaping, making me to be.
I will become who I was made to become.
I will worship, don't even say my name but
call me and when your voice is heard I will listen.
Just say that you can use me,
and I will be there.
My stomache is churning,
Emotions swirl in my brain but you are there,
And you become my entire being...
You are.

Just Cry

Just cry,
With your heart on your sleeve.
And your lies on the leave.
Just cry,
Its okay to look sad.
Its not always that bad.
Just cry.

As tears roll down your face,
And empty is your heart space,
Remember that I'm crying for you,
Remember that I'll always be here too.

Just cry.
With your heart on your sleeve.
And your lies on the leave.
Just cry,
Its okay to look sad.
Its not always that bad.
Just cry.

Be strong,
The road from here is very long.
You've got to hold on,
Carry your burdens and don't let them bring you down.
Stand your ground.

Just cry,
With your heart on your sleeve.
and Your lies on the leave.
Just cry,
Its okay to look sad,
its not always that bad.
Just cry.

I'm sick of all the games.
This is getting so lame.
I don't want to stand anymore.
I will end up falling to the floor.
But I will stand strong,
Even if its not for long.

Just cry,
He will dry your eyes.
He knows that you try.
Just cry.
Jesus will stand beside you.
He will never leave you.
Just cry.

Its okay.
Tomorrow is another day.
Its okay to just cry.